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Antagonist forces : drugs and fitness, my fucked up 2014 year


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Hello guys,

It is my very first post in any sort of forum regarding steroids and performance enhancement. Now I care WAY MORE that I used to about health, committement, others, family, balance and hapiness, but I am going to give you a long story, and I am ready to be judged cause I fucked up lots of times. I about to turn 21 and I have a fairly good experiene with all sorts of drugs no matter if it is recreational purpose, for health matter or for performance enhancement, and I am getting a bit lost into the world of fitness and my goals are evolving. I'm like two sides of a coin:

I've read and experienced a lot about nutrition and am able to keep a year long relatively strict diet, what I mean by that is that I don't always put everything on the scale, but I know about what and how much I can absorb to gain and feel good and I listen alot to my instincts, as I don't want to go too DEEP into the world of fitness and stop eating with other people, I rather bring others to follow me. My mom and his boyfriend used to eat a lot of junk (my mother is genetically very thin, but his boyfriend doesn't) and now they eat egg whites and chiken breast on a regular basis (that's fantastic!) So yes I can mostly keep a very good diet even though I am not perfect and I don't write down everything.

I always wanted to lift and I was already training at 12-13 years old and it became part of my life.

My other coin side is my compulsive drug use since I was about 14-15. I started with weed, like every dude, then tried shrooms, exctasy, cocaine, amphetamine, methamphetamine, LSD, and abused of about every single one of them (except for meth I tried once and never wanted to get so down again). I have the chance of having beloving parents who gave me second chances and never let me down because the line is thin between being wealthy or homeless. Dont mistake me here, I always read every single thing I could before doing anything but I know some trips (especially cocaine) could have ended into overdose or suicide and that is mainly why I dont use any of these shit anymore, but if someone would offer me a line of coke, I would have difficulty saying no.

As a student and worker, I also used dexamphetamine, ritaline, vyvanse, adderall without any prescription to help me organise my life, but my compulsory and abuse attitude towards any drugs made it impossible for me to really see sustainable benefits and I was getting bad side effects with any of these drugs so I discontinued them.

So as a depressed teen or young adult, I tried steroids (because I tried anything anyway). The first I had my hands on was Dianabol, I took about 90 10mg pills within four weeks along with liquidex and I threw .5 cc of windstrol depot EOD for 20 days. I tried high, low dosage, splited, all in once, because I'd rather make my own experience that assuming what I read or ear is true. I had GREAT results, but lethargy, agitation and general anger. I remember feeling alone in my own reality, doing every thing I could to gain muscles. Oh and obviously no PCT Mr Careless, no liver protection

At the end of this cycle, I lost one of my friends, who was the girlfriend of one of my best buddy I almost lived with and as he had big alchool problems, and it worsen with the death of his girlfriend... I litteraly fell with him as I took my last shot, we committed crimes to get money, dranked, smoked weed all day. It was also a period where my ex girlfriend was 2 months away from giving birth, and I didn't know if I was the father. I was studying in University at that period and passed but I wasn't there and I met a girl I dated and she became my girlfriend, but she told me she used to be a prostitute and a coke addict so I deepen in crime and drug use down to a point where I was loosing myself.

Had messy grades, messy summer, tried to get back into fitness, back into drugs, in and out, unable to keep the discipline I expected of me. So at the end of the summer I said fuck that I bought trenbolone and Dianabol, and 2 days into the cycle I had already incredible results I was VERY respondent and decided to get the fuck out of my home town and bought a one way ticket to Calgary.

So september first, new town, working in construction sites, on Dbol, just had a crazy G of tren in 7 days cuz I couldn't bring that in the plane, pumped as fuck, ready to be disciplined again and to smile to my new life. 7 weeks later, I finally got test en and cyp, anadrol, arimidex, NAC, and shot the hell out of hit because I was shut down because of the messy tren dbol I just did and because I felt like I needed a boost to keep on with work, to gain muscle, to remedy my erectile dysfunction problem I struggle with because of my drug abuse, (who further worsen it, I know) . By november 15, I had GREAT results, left Quebec at 175 ish and I had to do an early come back because my mother was diagnosted with breast cancer and I felt like I HAD to take care of here so I came back earlier than expected, two days of driving non stop, really really bigger and stronger people where amazed how I improved my overall look and attitude. So I Came back at 205 bloated, i'm 6 foot tall and have really genetically given legs and shoulders, then bought tren and test e home to finish my cycle. I thing I should have stopped before that, because I felt like it wasn't the same quality and I had a little acne on chest, but its mostly all gone now. so I decided to stop when I encountered erectile dysfunction again, and begun my pct a little late but not that much, about 3 weeks after last shot. I also shot hcg at the end but the supplier went out of stock so I learned why you have to buy everything before. Oh and I forgot to mention, I used testosterone in a compulsory manner, where I shoted when I was down or sad or anything, so I shot about a G of test per week wich is FUCKING LOTS.

My story is exausting isn't it? I am now on nolvadex and clomid, 40-50 ED and it help me recover some gains I've lost during holidays, I am now 195, I was 168 at the same date last year, but I am a little fatter than usual cause I never really go fat, and since i've experienced way too much and too young, I am now willing to reconsider my life goals and bodybuilding fascination.

So, here is where I am, I am willing to ear any comment, tip or insult whatever, in order to help me set realistic fitness goals, what products could help me in my situation, and how can I recover the hard erections I dont get anymore cuz I fucked up last year and i'm kinda lost.

tim bro...sounds like you shouldn't use any steroids or anything else...stay natural, diet and train first before you even consider AAS again....
Brother, I'm no stranger to struggling with chemicals. I keep a very clean life now because I have set great goals for myself.

You main problem is consistency. You come and go, you are not consistent. You binge cycle, then you fall off... Stay consistent. No drugs, NO supplements. Some protein powders and maybe HCgenerate to get you recovered. But nothing more. You need to earn the steroids you need to earn the SARMs and the only way to earn it for yourself is consistency.

Thank you for all of the background information, it really helped me give you the very best answer I could.
No one would judge for your mistakes. We all make them. But you do need to learn from them. I think you need to get your life on track before you throw steroids into your life. And welcome to the forum.

bottom line here is drugs and alcohol CANNOT mix with fitness

fitness is about BALANCE. you lack balance and have for years. I Hope you find motivation and ambition somehow..

step 1 is stop making excuses, you have a fucked up past and you need to stop associating yourself with the wrong people. if you hang out with druggies, you will be one too.. if you hang out with criminals, then guess what? you will be one too. maybe you should go adopt a cat or dog and have them be your friend, atleast they won't lead you down the wrong path.

stop being weak and falling for peer pressure. I was offered weed back in 10th grade and I remember it well, I turned it down point blank.. I did not give a fuck what that loser thought at the time. you were offered weed in your teens and you took it, it led to you commiting crimes and worse drugs. you have to make the right choices from now on as that will dictate your future.

until you achieve balance you have no business touching AAS atleast for the reason that it makes every other AAS user look like a drug addict criminal. there are too many hardcore rec drug users who fuck with AAS. its like they are drawn to anything that is illegal. totally pointless to use mix AAS with hardcore drugs. its like getting a pet fish and having him swim in untreated water.

hope this helps.
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That's a heck of a story but props to you for being able to look abstractly at yourself. The advice above is great, I think some time training naturally will make you feel a lot prouder about what you accomplish. How is your PCT going? I feel like you must have been VERY shutdown..are you recovering?
Alright thanks to all of you for your time I appreciate. By the way I am french, that's why my English is so messy. I just came back from a very disappointing appointment with my traditional medicine healer and he inspected my testicules and penis and found several problems he couldn't fix right away because he lacked medication : the smooth muscle tissues at the bottom of it is in bad condition, basically what's supposed to be soft is hardening (then I wondered why I had erectile problems). My ureter is also way too large and it appear have I some kind of infection in the penis. Like it wasn't enough, my balls have suffered atrophy and the right one has 4 hydrocells (I dont know if it's the right word in english) and the left one 2. He told me to come back tuesday as he will receive an injectable solution into the penis, pure traditional herbs and plants (the real deal, not the overly marketed podered supplements that doesn't do shit) and obviously to get bloodwork and to bring him results. It's a condition 60 years old people struggle with, not 20.

You get what you pay for in life.
I hope my hormonal system and my little friend will successfully heal and recover because I want to have children, at least now I know the real deal. He also mentioned my lungs are probably hurt too, I also suspect heart abnormalities mainly because of trenbolone ace abuse, he warns me to take long walk and to avoid running because of possible pulmonary embolism, so I will lower the intensity of my workouts too.
I'm a recovering addict myself. Fitness has helped me tremendously in my recovery along with a foundation of course. I go to AA meetings and work the twelve steps. I agree that recreational drugs and fitness do not go together. Fitness can be a great thing to help you in the process of overcoming addictions though. In some ways I know I have replaced addictions but the one I have now doesn't effect my life negatively like the one I used to have. I'm relatively happy today and don't have the consequences that I used to have.
Stay healthy bro eat a clean balanced diet and get back on track in the gym everyone has ups and downs climb back on board and stay at it its a lifestyle
That was going to be my 1st Question, your Nationality, so your French, it all makes sense to me now.

As for the Addiction and Messy Life to this Point, don't Worry about it.
What do I mean by that.
It's in the Past, you can't change it, so don't Worry about, Learn from it.

There's Plenty of Us here with Stories of Addiction, myself Included.
I Hope that your Body Recovers from it's Ordeal...................................... JP
My Best Advise.
Give your Body the time it Needs to Heal and Recover.
Don't Set a Time Limit, it takes what it takes.
When your Blood Work says that you've Fully Recovered.
Don't go Looking for more AAS.
Get on a Good Training Regiment, with an Appropriate Diet.
You've got your entire life ahead of you, Don't Rush It, Enjoy it.
this is crunch time where you have to decide what's important to you in life, then after you come to the conclusion you have made, you address it, set a goal, and obtain it... then you celebrate for a short time and realize improvements can ALWAYS be made and you work for more... as you accomplish something, it should only make you hungrier for more bro... you have received strong advice all the way around in this thread brother... i commend you on your post and now its time to forget the past and move forward
I remember feeling alone in my own reality,

I really think this one sentence summarizes your whole post and is actually quite profound. We are not here to judge you, only to help and support you to reach your goals. Fitness is so much more than hitting the gym or using steroids. Take the time to really go to someone, find a support group, use the guys here who have been through what you have. Give your body the time to recover before even considering anything additional. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Bienvenue! être fort mon ami :)
I'm with Meathead and JP. I don't know if you accept that you are an addict yet...I know I didn't at your age, not even close, but I think your first step is to stay sober. And if you have trouble doing that, ask for help. Don't be ashamed...addiction has absolutely nothing to do with being weak, it's an obsessive-compulsive, potentially deadly brain disorder.
That being said, once you get things back on and fitness can definitely be a life changing recovery tool.
Re visit after 6 months clean.....Get in a program....Nothing wrong with support bro......Fitness might just save your life bro......Stay strong.....You been through a lot already....
You can't do anything about your past, but you have your entire future in your hands. You are in charge of your own path, and hopefully the experiences from your past have opened your eyes and helped you learn from your mistakes. Take it one step at a time, until you can build consistency. I know it's not an easy task, but persistence and determination is key to success
told me to come back tuesday as he will receive an injectable solution into the penis, pure traditional herbs and plants (the real deal, not the overly marketed podered supplements that doesn't do shit) and obviously to get bloodwork and to bring him results. It's a condition 60 years old people struggle with, not 20.

bro did i read right? you going to inject into the penis?...dont do it bro
Good post man.. It means you know you fucked up and you've just made the decision to do the right thing, otherwise you would have continued to keep it to yourself while operating in the shadows. I commend you for speaking up and wanting to change bud.

The time to be young and immature is over now, so divide your life up neatly into two parts: before turning pro and After. After is better

When you turn pro, you give up your life you are comfortable with.. And make the decision to be the man you respect. The man who you always were, but up until then had, been to scared to embrace and live out.

If you haven't read the book TurningPro by Pressfield, you should read it. Start with personal growth and get rid of the negative association (eliminate them as you would a cancer). You will then win in every area of your life. Stay on this path for a consistent period of time and you will discover blessings that just happened to fall in your lap- the law of attraction.

I've been down a path of destruction... It just takes one decision to change.. the days will pass.

But just like the day you remember where you were at on 9/11, is the same memory you will have about making the decision to start pursuing a life of excellence. Not just in fitness, but spiritually, mentally, financially... and one of the most important of all items listed to improve upon, YOUR ASSOCIATION.

I believe in ya man.. start making better decisions for the sake of yourself, and not because of what others think of you. Don't wait till it too late. Draw a line in the sand
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