So bare with me on this one gunna log a little differentβ¦ seeing as you guys show me so much respect and support thought Iβd give a little insight into why I am the way I am.. tis a bit touchy as when I do open up I usually see the change in people and their whole opinion change towards me.. this isnβt anything other than how many people I know are on struggle street mentally right nowβ¦
So letβs travel back..
When i was 10 I had to watch my step dad pass through cancer well.. chemo, he was a massive Solomon Islander man before chemo at 6ft 4 and 170kg and when he was in his chair passing he weighted 37kg..
I remember my mum tried to tell me to say goodbye in his final moments but I was a scared litttle boy of the way he looked so I ran away from him and he passed in the coming half an hour..
Mum suffered with mental issues aswell, use to think she was a reincarnation of eve and Jesus sent to cleanse the world. Never understood as I was so young but remember vividly walking past her room at early hours of mornings and she would be doing witchcraft shit burning sage and dancing and being a scary bitch



After dad passed mum went downhill extremely fast and hard member being told it was cause I was the devil child that shouldβve been taken and not him and all that jazz.
Was kicked out and homeless on the streets for 2 years when I was 12 then one of my sisters of 6 found me and took me in..
At 14 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia due to the ptsd of childhood and my mind created a seperate personality to get through the flash backs and hallucinations then I developed the voices of internal me telling me everyone thought the same as mum about me and to be the aggressor of life instead of the door mat.
The years went by I was able (sometimes) to control impulses and bad thoughts with medications (risperdole) anti psychotics but found gym at 15 and the hyper focus I could get with it literally saved me
If I stop moving or focusing I got down hill extremely fast so hence why I train up to 4 hours a day without a second thought and diet comes soo easy
Anyway at 20 I met the wife and never met such a evil in my life


A year into us and she had her ex boyfriend saved under a girlfriends name and I busted her she then convinced me it was a hallucination and my schizophrenia playing up
Then was admitted to a place for help
Then found out that was actually a lie after we fell pregnant with our first ( which was slim chances from a accident I had that caused testicular problems and old swimmers not to swim
Her friend told me then she didnβt believe it to be mine but his and my first girl was born at 600grms and 3 months premmie was terrifying
Anyway years past ra ra ra in 2022 I got a call from sister saying go back to mums house which I rocked up to her dead on the floor and sent me into a absolute nightmare literally hell as I walked back through the doors I felt 10 again and had to work on the house alone through the nights to get it ready to sell⦠yeah you could imagine lol
I tried to take my life 6 times without success during that year as that also was our 6 year marriage anniversary and we went away and then the wife decides to be a sneaky bitch and stream us fucking in background apps which as u could imagine wat that was like for a schizophrenic cause me to have a manic episode also whilst away and people calling my name I never knew in a place I didnβt know my phone mysteriously got fuked and SIM card locked so I couldnβt get help and all the time she was just having time of her lifeβ¦
Now I find my first bodybuilding competitionβ¦
Literally my saving grace yet again
I was able to escape the ptsd hallucinations from that and put absolutely every part of my soul into it 24/7 thinking only of giving everything and nutrition being perfectβ¦
Anyway sorry for the long story but while Iβm sick and not being able to get what I usually get in my mind playing games a bit so I thought this mite help people going through anything similar.. the gym and being able to focus on yourself WILL save you



Without you guys especially @ugloz
So thank you so damn much and everyone of you guys on these logs for being you guys hey




todayβs physique
Oh and i left out was a young man who I met when I was 16 and helped into the bodybuilding world he became a brother to me .. he got onto testosterone without any ideas I watched his personality change soo much and when he was 22 he took his own life due to it
So I hold so much accountability for getting him into it that I will never has an opinion on what anyone takes or touches.
Only thing I say is be prepared and be smart about your mind rather than your look