Veteran Log Sustanon Trenomast Deca Dbol Cycle Journal

[LevButlerov]

@LevButlerov HCGenerate (N2Generate) ordered! Will post touchdown pic soon enough.

Before I order this below for my gyno, a quick couple questions:

40mgs tamoxifen/day
6.25mgs aromasin/day
2 caps hcgenerate/day (here for hcgenerate)

-Would straight up HCG be a better substitute for the hcgenerate?
-Should I order enough to run this at least 8 weeks?

I suggest staying away from HCG if you can it's very estrogenic.
https://www.evolutionary.org/hcg-dangers-exposed
https://www.evolutionary.org/hcg-is-dangerous-part-2

I think 2 bottles of hcgenerates will be enough for you for 12 weeks actually. You can use it post gyno to plump up the nuts @HarleyGuy

 

[HarleyGuy]

I suggest staying away from HCG if you can it's very estrogenic.
https://www.evolutionary.org/hcg-dangers-exposed
https://www.evolutionary.org/hcg-is-dangerous-part-2

I think 2 bottles of hcgenerates will be enough for you for 12 weeks actually. You can use it post gyno to plump up the nuts @HarleyGuy

Quick update: I've actually been at 500+ Protein since my last log entry and today is insane I'm gonna post it soon. Leg day too! Thanks again for reading my story brother.

Also, I ordered the N2Generate it's on its way baby! Just waiting on you about how much Nolva I should order. I have 38 of the 12.5mg aromasin so I have 76 days worth at the 6.25mg dose; so I have over 10 weeks of your aromasin dose suggestions.

I have zero Nolva and just waiting for how much I'll need @LevButlerov and I'll be ordering from @Fusion Canada

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy Iron Brother I just wanna say I’m proud of you for laying that all out because that takes guts. I know the feeling of being chained to the bottle, I ran that road myself for years until it damn near killed me. The fact you made it through all that chaos, rehab after rehab, relapses and even jail time, and still pulled yourself back up says a lot about who you are. You hit your bottom and didn’t run from it, you faced it head on, that’s something to be proud of.
Four years sober is no joke! and you earned every single day of it. I can promise you, your story is gonna keep somebody else alive who reads it because they’ll see there’s a way out. You’re showing your kids and everyone around you what real strength looks like now. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing, one day at a time, and don’t ever forget how far you’ve come. And always remember, EVO family is here for you, with LOVE always any hard days you have and easy days too

Fuck man I love this community and you too @LevButlerov you sexy bitch with those traps I'm dying for . Thanks brother it means a lot. Addicts get each other so well man.

 

[BeMe]

Fuck man I love this community and you too @LevButlerov you sexy bitch with those traps I'm dying for . Thanks brother it means a lot. Addicts get each other so well man.

Not just the addicts bro, the entire EVO fam shows nothing but love. Plenty of guys here have similar stories as us and everyone is jumping in to support them. This is a very special community, nothing like it anywhere I've ever seen.

 

[LevButlerov]

Fuck man I love this community and you too @LevButlerov you sexy bitch with those traps I'm dying for . Thanks brother it means a lot. Addicts get each other so well man.

EVO family big love and support for you @HarleyGuy happy to have you in our family.

 

[LevButlerov]

Quick update: I've actually been at 500+ Protein since my last log entry and today is insane I'm gonna post it soon. Leg day too! Thanks again for reading my story brother.

@HarleyGuy waiting for the post

Also, I ordered the N2Generate it's on its way baby! Just waiting on you about how much Nolva I should order. I have 38 of the 12.5mg aromasin so I have 76 days worth at the 6.25mg dose; so I have over 10 weeks of your aromasin dose suggestions.

awesome get that touchdown up when you get some hcgenerate in
dose suggestions?
slow on the aromasin 6.25mgs eod
tamoxifen 40mgs ed

I have zero Nolva and just waiting for how much I'll need @LevButlerov and I'll be ordering from @Fusion Canada

Order and update us.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Log Update 21Aug2025

Protein Update: It's been a BREEZE keeping protein over 400g every day using all the foods you've seen in my log. I've switched to 2MAD and even 3MAD as I'm stepping it up a notch now that my arms are healing well with the peptides, creatine, and collagen.

All days since last post have been 400+ grams of protein and I can't lie, blame my 12-step program for that but it's been way over trust me.

Today was a monster day for my eating and training. Feel like beast mode again. Have a food baby going to bed but it will be gone in the morning and the digestive enzymes Digest Gold I can 100% feel making a difference both with the bloat and when all this food decides to make its way out LOL.

Training today: Legs

• Squats: after warm up squatted 2 plates and a 10 for 3 sets x 12 reps (steady as she goes after a 6-week lay off). Amazing pump and burn and pushing hard with the music blasting felt like I was 'back' again.
• Hack Squats: after warm up hack squat 2 plates and a 10 to failure for 3 sets each to failure... 20, 20, 18.
• Seated quad extensions: 3 sets to failure at 100 pin... last set I was seeing stars and really pushed it, got about 20 in and get that 'burn'
• Hams: supine machine curls 3 sets to failure

Took a 10 minute break

• Walking lunges with 30lb dumbbells: these were brutal LOL, walked to end of the "barbie girls ass workout" mat (about 40 feet) there and back 3 times. Heartrate was through the roof.
• Calves: standing calve raise machine, pin set to heaviest setting to failure x 3 sets. Each rep I go down as far as possible to give it a good stretch. I don't do enough calves but due to my height and weight (5'9" and 197lbs) they maintain their size pretty well.

Pic of quads on 17Aug before bed is below.


Diet: 3MAD TODAY - Protein intake is becoming easy over 400+ daily and today was about a PR for protein! I plan on keeping this going.

Meal # 1:

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Meal # 2 (1.5lb ground bison with 1 cup brown rice):

Ground bison:
1200 cals
132 P
66g F
0 C

1 cup brown rice:
220 cals
2g P
5g F
46 C

Meal #2 Total:
1420 cals
134 P
71 F
46 C

Meal # 3 (1kg flank steak):
5058 cals
245g P
67g F
0 C

Total today:
5058 cals
631g Protein
152g Fat
67g Carbs



Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 10mg now - right before bed **figured out I cannot tolerate 20mg without dragging my ass the next day like a zombie**


Supps today:
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 2 = 20mg biotin (thin hair lol)
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**Can't find my Psyllium Husk I think the GF moved it while cleaning


GEAR today - SEE PICS AND PINS BELOW
PIN DAY! Gear today - missed my e3d pin so doing the whole week tonight using two shots - she's a doozy of a double shot!
Draw with 18g into a 5ml syringe plunge with 22g 1 inch needle (4cc in right quad and 4cc left glute).

Todays pin:

800mg NF TestE (2ml)
200mg NF TestP (1ml)
300mg Pharma Tech Deca (1ml) **had to cave and deca somewhere else - see question below**
400mg NF Trenomast (2ml) = 200mg TrenA + 200mg MastP
100mg NF DHB (1ml)
**150mg NF Supertren (1ml) = 100mg TrenE + 100mg TrenA
** I threw this in just because I like to 'blast' during my blast sometimes once every 4 weeks or so LOL.

Locations for pin:
1st pin (right quad): 2ml TestE, 1ml Test P 1 ml Supertren = 4ml total
2nd pin (left glute): 1ml Deca, 2ml Trenomast, 1ml DHB = 4ml total

Totals in both pins from today for the week:
1g Test
300mg Deca
300mg TrenA
100mg TrenE
200mg MastP
100mg DHB

Orals: 20mg dbol with 12.5mg aromasin (switching to @LevButlerov's regime when touchdown comes)

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:

- Should I throw in ALA?
- Should I thrown in NMN?
- Due to NF shortage on Deca had to get Pharma Tech Deca, anyone can vouch for this gear?

 

[HarleyGuy]

Edit to questions (last one below - psyllium husk):

Questions:

- Should I throw in ALA?
- Should I thrown in NMN?
- **IMPORTANT ONE** Due to NF shortage on Deca had to get Pharma Tech Deca, anyone can vouch for this gear?
- Should I replace the psyllium husk my girl misplaced? The Digest Gold is working like magic for the stomach and for the toilet too!

 

[Mobster]

Wow... how are you still with us? When my brother D died he was drinking less (still a 1l bottle of whiskey per day)

 

[stevesmi]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

this is quite the story @HarleyGuy I know that those first responder jobs have a culture of drugs/alcohol. even without the stuff you guys see on a day to day basis, its still ingrained in the culture all the way from training. same goes for the military especially the navy lol.

 

[BodyMonster34]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

bro you should do a movie or show on your life lol. that some good stuff. your story almost as crazy as mines

 

[ceo]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

bros i'm glad you working with cardiologist. that good. i got mad love for those guys, they saved my dad when he had heart attack. a good cardiologist saved your life @HarleyGuy

 

[ROIDDERS]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

man this is a heck of a story man. its crazy how addictions can run our lives. we are slaves to our brains sometimes. anyway that list of meds are things you have to take forever? or just temporary? @HarleyGuy

 

[2Thick]

@HarleyGuy amazing how 1 beer can throw your addiction off. but its true. probably a bad idea to joint a biker club though. you want to surround yourself with people who will be positive and help you.

 

[Ulter]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

that is a cool story. sounds to me like that is all in your past. the only thing you can do now is look the future and help others who went through what you went through @HarleyGuy

 

[LevButlerov]

Log Update 21Aug2025

Protein Update: It's been a BREEZE keeping protein over 400g every day using all the foods you've seen in my log. I've switched to 2MAD and even 3MAD as I'm stepping it up a notch now that my arms are healing well with the peptides, creatine, and collagen.

All days since last post have been 400+ grams of protein and I can't lie, blame my 12-step program for that but it's been way over trust me.

Today was a monster day for my eating and training. Feel like beast mode again. Have a food baby going to bed but it will be gone in the morning and the digestive enzymes Digest Gold I can 100% feel making a difference both with the bloat and when all this food decides to make its way out LOL.

Training today: Legs

• Squats: after warm up squatted 2 plates and a 10 for 3 sets x 12 reps (steady as she goes after a 6-week lay off). Amazing pump and burn and pushing hard with the music blasting felt like I was 'back' again.
• Hack Squats: after warm up hack squat 2 plates and a 10 to failure for 3 sets each to failure... 20, 20, 18.
• Seated quad extensions: 3 sets to failure at 100 pin... last set I was seeing stars and really pushed it, got about 20 in and get that 'burn'
• Hams: supine machine curls 3 sets to failure

Took a 10 minute break

• Walking lunges with 30lb dumbbells: these were brutal LOL, walked to end of the "barbie girls ass workout" mat (about 40 feet) there and back 3 times. Heartrate was through the roof.
• Calves: standing calve raise machine, pin set to heaviest setting to failure x 3 sets. Each rep I go down as far as possible to give it a good stretch. I don't do enough calves but due to my height and weight (5'9" and 197lbs) they maintain their size pretty well.

Pic of quads on 17Aug before bed is below.


Diet: 3MAD TODAY - Protein intake is becoming easy over 400+ daily and today was about a PR for protein! I plan on keeping this going.

Meal # 1:

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Meal # 2 (1.5lb ground bison with 1 cup brown rice):

Ground bison:
1200 cals
132 P
66g F
0 C

1 cup brown rice:
220 cals
2g P
5g F
46 C

Meal #2 Total:
1420 cals
134 P
71 F
46 C

Meal # 3 (1kg flank steak):
5058 cals
245g P
67g F
0 C

Total today:
5058 cals
631g Protein
152g Fat
67g Carbs



Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 10mg now - right before bed **figured out I cannot tolerate 20mg without dragging my ass the next day like a zombie**


Supps today:
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 2 = 20mg biotin (thin hair lol)
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**Can't find my Psyllium Husk I think the GF moved it while cleaning


GEAR today - SEE PICS AND PINS BELOW
PIN DAY! Gear today - missed my e3d pin so doing the whole week tonight using two shots - she's a doozy of a double shot!
Draw with 18g into a 5ml syringe plunge with 22g 1 inch needle (4cc in right quad and 4cc left glute).

Todays pin:

800mg NF TestE (2ml)
200mg NF TestP (1ml)
300mg Pharma Tech Deca (1ml) **had to cave and deca somewhere else - see question below**
400mg NF Trenomast (2ml) = 200mg TrenA + 200mg MastP
100mg NF DHB (1ml)
**150mg NF Supertren (1ml) = 100mg TrenE + 100mg TrenA
** I threw this in just because I like to 'blast' during my blast sometimes once every 4 weeks or so LOL.

Locations for pin:
1st pin (right quad): 2ml TestE, 1ml Test P 1 ml Supertren = 4ml total
2nd pin (left glute): 1ml Deca, 2ml Trenomast, 1ml DHB = 4ml total

Totals in both pins from today for the week:
1g Test
300mg Deca
300mg TrenA
100mg TrenE
200mg MastP
100mg DHB

Orals: 20mg dbol with 12.5mg aromasin (switching to @LevButlerov's regime when touchdown comes)

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:

- Should I throw in ALA?
- Should I thrown in NMN?
- Due to NF shortage on Deca had to get Pharma Tech Deca, anyone can vouch for this gear?

This coming week for sure protein king level!!!!

Talk about big meat and big size @HarleyGuy and I LOVE the gear pics but I cant vouch for pharma tech at all only for approved Canadian sources, did you get it from @Fusion Canada ?

Edit to questions (last one below - psyllium husk):

Questions:

- Should I throw in ALA?
- Should I thrown in NMN?
- **IMPORTANT ONE** Due to NF shortage on Deca had to get Pharma Tech Deca, anyone can vouch for this gear?
- Should I replace the psyllium husk my girl misplaced? The Digest Gold is working like magic for the stomach and for the toilet too!

- Should I throw in ALA?

Yes but get RALA with biotin or ALA with biotin.

- Should I thrown in NMN?

Not needed waste of money.

- **IMPORTANT ONE** Due to NF shortage on Deca had to get Pharma Tech Deca, anyone can vouch for this gear?

Cannot vouch for it at all but deca is rarely faked could be just blank, is the source approved?

- Should I replace the psyllium husk my girl misplaced? The Digest Gold is working like magic for the stomach and for the toilet too!

Yes 100% with the protein intake you have, get psyllium husk minimum 20 grams per day trust me on this!

 

[HarleyGuy]

-Excellent looking forward to protein king haha
-ALA it is. I currently take 3g bioton daily too.
-No on the NMN thank you!
-I've seen pganabolics where I got the Deca from pharmatech all over the EVO board being discussed but now that I read closely there's lots of people saying they are scammers and some people saying they're legit. Now I wanna chuck this Deca for fuck sake. That's my mistake.
-Psyllium husk ordered off amazon just now! Thanks @LevButlerov

 

[HarleyGuy]

Finished helping my son move tonight! Had a 2MAD and a 10-hour non stop cardio day with a soaked t-shirt and even jeans at the end. If anyone has ever moved before you know what a workout that is! Protein was insane today was 2MAD. Meal # 1 first thing in the morning protein shake with 12 eggs and 500g of egg whites, then Meal # 2 about 2 hours ago (01:00am here). Posting pics of dinner and...

will post a detailed log entry from today first thing tomorrow... stay tuned. I'm wiped and love it. Check out meal # 2! 1kg filet mignon, an avocado and a protein shake. Well over 500g protein today and almost zero carbs with a full cardio day, love it!

Progress pic attached. Body is recomping moreso than gaining weight, weight staying about the same (up 3 lbs) but back is much fuller and I feel thicker and more dense. Injury didn't bother me today moving and I'm in much better functional operating shape; I'm not in 'bodybuilder' shape but in better operator shape since my 6-week injury layoff had me weak and soft.

 

[HarleyGuy]

man this is a heck of a story man. its crazy how addictions can run our lives. we are slaves to our brains sometimes. anyway that list of meds are things you have to take forever? or just temporary? @HarleyGuy

The PTSD (Operator Syndrome) meds I don't think my shrink will let me come off. I asked about coming off valium since it's a narcotic and he said "we don't want you not on valium, do you think people want you not on valium". Gave me a good chuckle and I was like fine fine, and then joked with him pretending to get triggered and said "I'm fucking fine I have don't have adrenaline or anger issues who the fuck needs valium to calm down you're out of your fucking mind". I was smiling while saying it and we both had a good laugh. But seriously, I used to work at a 10/10 for intensity and violence and then have to come home and be a 0/10 in an instant walking through the door for my kids and be all smiles and play with them. So when I was medically discharged I was either a 0 or a 10. Didn't have an in between. Now, I can get to a 3 after a decade of therapy and four years of sobriety and hold it together at a 3-4 and as long as someone doesn't push I can deescalate myself to a 1 pretty fast. Took a looong time to get there so they're all afraid to fuck with my meds that keep me relatively sane and 'calm' LOL. Even on all the meds I'm on I'm still high speed, and need them to even try to shut down and sleep. I took my night meds for example at 10pm and if you check the meds I'm on they would literally kill a normal person and here I am wide awake still at 01:30 cruising EVO but I know enough to go lay down and I'll be out like a light once I 'let' them work.

The heart meds I don't know but I've been on them since 2019. I have an appt with the cardiologist in 12 months (every year) and that will be a question I certainly ask her for sure.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Talk about big meat and big size @HarleyGuy and I LOVE the gear pics but I cant vouch for pharma tech at all only for approved Canadian sources, did you get it from @Fusion Canada ?

No unfortunately NF is completely out of Deca so I caved and got it off pganabolics which was floating around as a link on here but there's mixed reviews. I'm thinking of throwing it in the garbage now and switching to NF NPP. I'm about to place an order so if I'm on 300mg Deca right now how would you navigate NPP as a substitute? I'm thinking 150mg e3d?

 

[ballin2504]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

@HarleyGuy thanks for sharing your story man. We’ve all battled demons through this life but glad you have a handle on yours. Wishing you the best

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy thanks for sharing your story man. We’ve all battled demons through this life but glad you have a handle on yours. Wishing you the best

Thank you brother it means a lot. And thanks for taking the time to read it I appreciate that from you.

 

[BeMe]

-Excellent looking forward to protein king haha
-ALA it is. I currently take 3g bioton daily too.
-No on the NMN thank you!
-I've seen pganabolics where I got the Deca from pharmatech all over the EVO board being discussed but now that I read closely there's lots of people saying they are scammers and some people saying they're legit. Now I wanna chuck this Deca for fuck sake. That's my mistake.
-Psyllium husk ordered off amazon just now! Thanks @LevButlerov

An EVO fam member recently bought some fake pharma tech sustanon from a website called

Canadapeds.is

Hopefully that's not where you got it. We added them to the scam list cuz the member had bloodwork to backup his claim, and no reason to lie.

 

[BeMe]

Finished helping my son move tonight! Had a 2MAD and a 10-hour non stop cardio day with a soaked t-shirt and even jeans at the end. If anyone has ever moved before you know what a workout that is! Protein was insane today was 2MAD. Meal # 1 first thing in the morning protein shake with 12 eggs and 500g of egg whites, then Meal # 2 about 2 hours ago (01:00am here). Posting pics of dinner and...

will post a detailed log entry from today first thing tomorrow... stay tuned. I'm wiped and love it. Check out meal # 2! 1kg filet mignon, an avocado and a protein shake. Well over 500g protein today and almost zero carbs with a full cardio day, love it!

Progress pic attached. Body is recomping moreso than gaining weight, weight staying about the same (up 3 lbs) but back is much fuller and I feel thicker and more dense. Injury didn't bother me today moving and I'm in much better functional operating shape; I'm not in 'bodybuilder' shape but in better operator shape since my 6-week injury layoff had me weak and soft.

You're stuck with the same pharma test as me.

Is the test shortage effecting you where you live too? I hear it's all of Canada.

My pharmacy can only get that test e now and they limit me to 1 vial per order...lame. I've heard it's cuz the test is being diverted to a more important cause..."gender affirming care".

 

[BeMe]

No unfortunately NF is completely out of Deca so I caved and got it off pganabolics which was floating around as a link on here but there's mixed reviews. I'm thinking of throwing it in the garbage now and switching to NF NPP. I'm about to place an order so if I'm on 300mg Deca right now how would you navigate NPP as a substitute? I'm thinking 150mg e3d?

I'm pretty sure they're just interchangeable, but considering you're already into your cycle you're better off using the NPP cuz of the shorter esther. Deca would take 6 weeks to reach saturation in your blood. I was feeling the NPP almost right away, maybe psychosomatic, but numbers went way up. By 2 weeks in it was definitely on!

 

[HarleyGuy]

You're stuck with the same pharma test as me.

Is the test shortage effecting you where you live too? I hear it's all of Canada.

My pharmacy can only get that test e now and they limit me to 1 vial per order...lame. I've heard it's cuz the test is being diverted to a more important cause..."gender affirming care".

Oh no you didn't just say that... for real are you serious? Fucking Canada ... I can't stand our system.

 

[HarleyGuy]

I'm pretty sure they're just interchangeable, but considering you're already into your cycle you're better off using the NPP cuz of the shorter esther. Deca would take 6 weeks to reach saturation in your blood. I was feeling the NPP almost right away, maybe psychosomatic, but numbers went way up. By 2 weeks in it was definitely on!

Ok then I'm gonna order some NPP off @Fusion Canada soon and seriously just chuck that other shit.

 

[BeMe]

Ok then I'm gonna order some NPP off @Fusion Canada soon and seriously just chuck that other shit.

You didn't get it through canadapeds.is right?

When we looked into it, turned out pharma tech is a legit brand and Syn carries them. It just seems that someone out there if bootlegging their shit.

So your stuff might be good. Depends where you got it.

 

[LevButlerov]

No unfortunately NF is completely out of Deca so I caved and got it off pganabolics which was floating around as a link on here but there's mixed reviews. I'm thinking of throwing it in the garbage now and switching to NF NPP. I'm about to place an order so if I'm on 300mg Deca right now how would you navigate NPP as a substitute? I'm thinking 150mg e3d?

NPP is much better than Deca but in both nandrolone cases watch for mental sides, you have experience with deca right? @HarleyGuy

 

[LevButlerov]

Ok then I'm gonna order some NPP off @Fusion Canada soon and seriously just chuck that other shit.

Dump it in the trash.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Log Update yesterday 22Aug2025


Protein Update: 477g yesterday!


Training yesterday: Moving my son for 8 hours LOL

• Heavy lifting up and down stairs, constant cardio. HR in fat burn zone for approx. 8 hours. Only breaks were driving the u-Haul to and from new place.

Diet: 2MAD YESTERDAY

Meal # 1 (Protein shake with 12 eggs and 500g egg whites):

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Eggs:
12 XL eggs:
858 cals
75 P
57 F
4 C

500g egg whites (whole carton):
240 cals
55 P
5 F
0 C

Meal # 1 total:
1936 cals
277 P
78 F
25 C



Meal # 2 (1kg=2.2lbs of filet mignon + whole avocado):

1kg filet mignon:
2470 cals
196 P
182g F
0 C

1 whole avocado:
322 cals
4 P
29g F
17 C

Meal #2 Total:
2792 cals
200 P
211 F
17 C


Total yesterday 22Aug2025:
5262 cals
477g Protein
288g Fat
42g Carbs


Peptides yesterday:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now - right before bed **going to see if the 20mg was the cause of the lethargy and see if I can tolerate 20mg for a few days**


Supps yesterday:
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake



GEAR yesterday:
Nothing yesterday

Orals: 20mg dbol @LevButlerov **thinking of cutting out the dbol and replacing with anavar with the '40mg nolvadex/6.25 aromasin/2 caps N2Generate' being added to cycle and nolvadex being so hepatoxic and an HDL destroyer**. Studies seem to show anavar can be tolerated long term.

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Getting psyllium husk on 23Aug at Bulk Barn. Plan on buying at least 1kg. What is highest dosage suggested for this much protein? Plan on using 30g (15g with each meal), does that make sense?
- I'm finding I'm not as bloated and can keep a flatter stomach still showing abs after eating, is this the 'Digest Gold'?

 

[LevButlerov]

You didn't get it through canadapeds.is right?

When we looked into it, turned out pharma tech is a legit brand and Syn carries them. It just seems that someone out there if bootlegging their shit.

So your stuff might be good. Depends where you got it.

canadapeds.is I wouldn't trust @BeMe, I suspect they are shilling out counterfeits been hearing rumors.

 

[HarleyGuy]

You didn't get it through canadapeds.is right?

When we looked into it, turned out pharma tech is a legit brand and Syn carries them. It just seems that someone out there if bootlegging their shit.

So your stuff might be good. Depends where you got it.

I got it off pganabolics.is ... what do you think?

 

[BeMe]

canadapeds.is I wouldn't trust @BeMe, I suspect they are shilling out counterfeits been hearing rumors.

I know that's what I was telling @HarleyGuy

Hopefully he didn't get it there, but remember another member found pharma tech stuff on Syn's site so its gotta be a legit company. So it depends where @HarleyGuy got his deca from

 

[HarleyGuy]

NPP is much better than Deca but in both nandrolone cases watch for mental sides, you have experience with deca right? @HarleyGuy

I do yes. The only mental sides I've ever had was high dose tren and I kinda liked it mentally but had to stop due to insomnia and night sweats. I was getting up twice a night and putting towels down on the bed and changing my underwear every time LMAO!

What mental deca sides are common?

 

[BeMe]

I got it off pganabolics.is ... what do you think?

Can't say for sure. Never heard of them. Maybe try starting a post on the Canadian forum and see if any of the other guys have heard of them.

Sux for a brand when companies start counter fitting them.

I thought I remember seeing Pur Canada still had deca available. When I was on the elitebody.ca website a couple weeks back Im pretty positive I saw it listed as still in stock there.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Can't say for sure. Never heard of them. Maybe try starting a post on the Canadian forum and see if any of the other guys have heard of them.

Sux for a brand when companies start counter fitting them.

I thought I remember seeing Pur Canada still had deca available. When I was on the elitebody.ca website a couple weeks back Im pretty positive I saw it listed as still in stock there.

Shit you're right they did too! FACK.

I'm gonna chuck this shit I have; I have enough NF deca to last me till their NPP comes in anyway. Gonna place an order any day now. I'm worried about pulling the trigger on the Nolva, I need @LevButlerov to rub my back and tell me that the Nolva/Aromasin/N2Guard addition to my cycle for 12 weeks won't give me a blood clot or stroke or nuke my liver LOL. I'm dying to run it though I have gyno and crazy lower chest fat.

 

[LevButlerov]

I got it off pganabolics.is ... what do you think?

I dont want to be negative but not good thoughts.

 

[BeMe]

I dont want to be negative but not good thoughts.

I was having a similar feeling lol

 

[LevButlerov]

Shit you're right they did too! FACK.

I'm gonna chuck this shit I have; I have enough NF deca to last me till their NPP comes in anyway. Gonna place an order any day now. I'm worried about pulling the trigger on the Nolva, I need @LevButlerov to rub my back and tell me that the Nolva/Aromasin/N2Guard addition to my cycle for 12 weeks won't give me a blood clot or stroke or nuke my liver LOL. I'm dying to run it though I have gyno and crazy lower chest fat.

@HarleyGuy we are doing this as a temp measure with the gynecomastia not long term and you take baby aspirin ED with it no issues.
You don’t need to stress that stack giving you a clot or nuking your liver short term. Nolva at normal dose is widely used and doesn’t mess with clotting unless you’ve got some pre existing issue. Aromasin is one of the milder AIs on the liver side compared to letro or adex so that’s safe in a run like you’re planning. N2Guard is actually supportive on organs so that’s helping you not hurting you.
What you’re doing is a temp bridge to deal with the gyno and chest fat so it’s not like you’re on it for years. Most of the clot talk comes from long haul high dose tamoxifen in cancer patients not guys doing a few months to fix sides. Your plan is fine just keep an eye on bloodwork and you’ll be good.

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy we are doing this as a temp measure with the gynecomastia not long term and you take baby aspirin ED with it no issues.
You don’t need to stress that stack giving you a clot or nuking your liver short term. Nolva at normal dose is widely used and doesn’t mess with clotting unless you’ve got some pre existing issue. Aromasin is one of the milder AIs on the liver side compared to letro or adex so that’s safe in a run like you’re planning. N2Guard is actually supportive on organs so that’s helping you not hurting you.
What you’re doing is a temp bridge to deal with the gyno and chest fat so it’s not like you’re on it for years. Most of the clot talk comes from long haul high dose tamoxifen in cancer patients not guys doing a few months to fix sides. Your plan is fine just keep an eye on bloodwork and you’ll be good.

That's a huge relief to read I really appreciate the explanation brother. Placing my order for Nolva and NPP tonight plus maybe some other peptides! And I'll amazon some baby aspirin now too.

 

[BeMe]

That's a huge relief to read I really appreciate the explanation brother. Placing my order for Nolva and NPP tonight plus maybe some other peptides! And I'll amazon some baby aspirin now too.

@HarleyGuy @LevButlerov @Npcclassicphysique champ

So were talking about the pharma tech harleyguy got from pganabolics.is then suddenly a new member revives this old thread talking about their deca....that's weird right.

https://www.evolutionary.org/forums/threads/canadian-gear.65879/

You think it's someone from that company trying to promote it?

 

[BeMe]

@HarleyGuy @LevButlerov @Npcclassicphysique champ

So were talking about the pharma tech harleyguy got from pganabolics.is then suddenly a new member revives this old thread talking about their deca....that's weird right.

https://www.evolutionary.org/forums/threads/canadian-gear.65879/

You think it's someone from that company trying to promote it?

This guy is definitely a plant. His last post to @Npcclassicphysique champ is sales guy 101. He created his account last night too.

This guy needs to get banned and the thread needs to get dropped so people don't see it. It's at the top of the list now

 

[Eddie Haskell]

@HarleyGuy @LevButlerov @Npcclassicphysique champ

So were talking about the pharma tech harleyguy got from pganabolics.is then suddenly a new member revives this old thread talking about their deca....that's weird right.

https://www.evolutionary.org/forums/threads/canadian-gear.65879/

You think it's someone from that company trying to promote it?

Yes feels like a rep of his, I warned him

 

[BeMe]

Yes feels like a rep of his, I warned him

Nice. Glad you guys are on it.

The fact he did that makes that site feel like even more of a scam. Good thing you're throwing that deca out @HarleyGuy

 

[HarleyGuy]

Garbage! Scammer website and scammer @Kickoverload EVO "member" who joins last night to come on and give rave reviews to PharmaTechs DECA. It's in the garbage!
If I had the money to care to prove the point I'd ship this off to prove it's cotton seed oil in a bottle probably with some EO to make it have his so called "PIP" he claims pganabolics give you in his resurrected 6 year old thread.

@Eddie Haskell @LevButlerov @BeMe @Npcclassicphysique champ @ROIDDERS @ceo @BodyMonster34 @stevesmi @Mobster

 

[BeMe]

Garbage! Scammer website and scammer @Kickoverload EVO "member" who joins last night to come on and give rave reviews to PharmaTechs DECA. It's in the garbage!
If I had the money to care to prove the point I'd ship this off to prove it's cotton seed oil in a bottle probably with some EO to make it have his so called "PIP" he claims pganabolics give you in his resurrected 6 year old thread.

@Eddie Haskell @LevButlerov @BeMe @Npcclassicphysique champ @ROIDDERS @ceo @BodyMonster34 @stevesmi @Mobster

Nice

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy we are doing this as a temp measure with the gynecomastia not long term and you take baby aspirin ED with it no issues.
You don’t need to stress that stack giving you a clot or nuking your liver short term. Nolva at normal dose is widely used and doesn’t mess with clotting unless you’ve got some pre existing issue. Aromasin is one of the milder AIs on the liver side compared to letro or adex so that’s safe in a run like you’re planning. N2Guard is actually supportive on organs so that’s helping you not hurting you.
What you’re doing is a temp bridge to deal with the gyno and chest fat so it’s not like you’re on it for years. Most of the clot talk comes from long haul high dose tamoxifen in cancer patients not guys doing a few months to fix sides. Your plan is fine just keep an eye on bloodwork and you’ll be good.

@LevButlerov I was going to DM you this question but I thought I'd post it on here for whoever is following my log. Are you able to discern why your preference for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? Ultimately I'm going to run what you suggest as the knowledge on here is incredible but in my own 'research' (limited research compared to you gurus) the raloxifene seems to be more receptive at the ER whereas I think Nolva is more of the 'parent' drug to Raloxifene. Can you give me one of your awesome speeches about this so I can pull the trigger on my NF order for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? I'm gonna order about 12 weeks worth of it and I have enough aromasin already too. The N2Guard is on it's way.

@BeMe since you're just starting out you might want to read up on this because I wish I had have done this when I first started a decade ago. My E2 is generally kept in check now but back then man I fucked up like we do and have the "sag" as our buddy Kickoverload would put it LMAO.

 

[BeMe]

@LevButlerov I was going to DM you this question but I thought I'd post it on here for whoever is following my log. Are you able to discern why your preference for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? Ultimately I'm going to run what you suggest as the knowledge on here is incredible but in my own 'research' (limited research compared to you gurus) the raloxifene seems to be more receptive at the ER whereas I think Nolva is more of the 'parent' drug to Raloxifene. Can you give me one of your awesome speeches about this so I can pull the trigger on my NF order for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? I'm gonna order about 12 weeks worth of it and I have enough aromasin already too. The N2Guard is on it's way.

@BeMe since you're just starting out you might want to read up on this because I wish I had have done this when I first started a decade ago. My E2 is generally kept in check now but back then man I fucked up like we do and have the "sag" as our buddy Kickoverload would put it LMAO.

I'm pretty paranoid about e2 symptoms and I have an unopened pack of Aromasin on hand if the symptoms ever do see to creep in. I actually thought my nips were getting sensitive a couple weeks back but it was just my shirts bugging them and I chaffed them mountain biking. Almost broke out the aromasin that day tho.

I do regular bloodwork too and at peak cycle 300 each test, Primo, NPP I was still within "healthy" range with my e2. I work with a men's health doc and I'm open with him about what I'm doing. I can request bloodwork when I need it to stay on top of everything. I'm a type A plus lol. I worry about everything before anything happens lol.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Log Update today 23Aug2025


Protein Update: Protein PR today! 625 grams!
Psyllium husk added today: 15g with each meal


Training today: **wanna get my arms back to standard after the injury**

Bi's: concentration curls - 20's warmup 3 sets. 40's to failure 3 sets 9reps, 8reps, 6reps immediate transition to dropset to 25's to failure 12reps
Bi's: EZ bar curl - 20's each side warmup 1 set. 25's each side 1 set 12reps. 30's each side 1 set 12reps. 40's each side 1 set to failure until I starting 'swinging' it, 8 reps.
Bi's: Cross body hammer curls -30's 3 sets of 12 reps, last set to failure was a bad looking 12th rep

**elbow injury flared up a tiny bit with the hammer curls**

Tri's: One dumbbell behind the head raise - 30's for warmup 2 sets of 15. Controlled decent and deep stretch with 50's for 10 reps, 60's for 8 reps and 70's to failure 8 reps focusing on the eccentrics.
Tri's: cable bar pushdown - no warmup just 3 sets to failure increasing weight each time. Last set was 6 reps with the 6th looking ugly but great contractions.
Tri's: kickbacks - 20's for 10 reps, 20's for 10 reps, 30's for 8 reps until form was lost and the swinging started.

Delts: seated dumbbell press: 40's warmup x 2 sets. 60's 3 sets of 10 reps. 70's 1 set to failure with 7th rep being ugly.
Delts: seated fly machine: 3 sets to failure, pin at 80, 90, then 110. This hits my traps too I love this machine.
Delts: cable raises (like pulling a sword out of its sheath) 3 sets to failure each arm. Pin set to 50,60, then 70.

Abs: 5 sets of crunches to failure (didn't count lol)

Will be adding in cardio soon



Diet: 2MAD TODAY

Meal # 1 (Protein shake and 500g egg whites and one pound of hamburger patties washed down with a banana 30g milk protein drink):

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Lean ground sirloin patties x 4:

800 cals
90 P
36 F
0 C

500g egg whites (whole carton):
240 cals
55 P
5 F
0 C

Premier Protein 30g Banana Protein drink:
30g P

Meal # 1 total:
1898 cals
327 P
56 F
21 C



Meal # 2 (0.88kg=2lbs of flank steak + half pound ground hamburger):

0.88kg flank:
2437 cals
250 P
150 F
0 C

0.5 pound of lean ground hamburger:
322 cals
48 P
12 F
0 C

Meal #2 Total:
2759 cals
298 P
162 F
0 C


Total today 23Aug2025:
4659 cals
625g Protein
218g Fat
21g Carbs


Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now **new dose** - right before bed **going to see if the 20mg was the cause of the lethargy and see if I can tolerate 20mg for a few days**


Supps today (added two new ones and upped the biotin):
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**NEW: Psyllium husk 30g
**NEW: Ubiquinol 100mg @LevButlerov (see questions)


GEAR today:
Nothing pinned today

Orals: 20mg dbol

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Got 1kg of psyllium husk at Bulk Barn. Took 15g with each meal. Is this enough? 30g total today
- Added ubiquinol for heart health and oxidation. Is 100mg enough? It's the downstream precursor of CoQ10.

 

[HarleyGuy]

And just for good measure here's another pic of my PharmaTech DECA off pganabolics.is thrown into the garbage!

 

[ROIDDERS]

The PTSD (Operator Syndrome) meds I don't think my shrink will let me come off. I asked about coming off valium since it's a narcotic and he said "we don't want you not on valium, do you think people want you not on valium". Gave me a good chuckle and I was like fine fine, and then joked with him pretending to get triggered and said "I'm fucking fine I have don't have adrenaline or anger issues who the fuck needs valium to calm down you're out of your fucking mind". I was smiling while saying it and we both had a good laugh. But seriously, I used to work at a 10/10 for intensity and violence and then have to come home and be a 0/10 in an instant walking through the door for my kids and be all smiles and play with them. So when I was medically discharged I was either a 0 or a 10. Didn't have an in between. Now, I can get to a 3 after a decade of therapy and four years of sobriety and hold it together at a 3-4 and as long as someone doesn't push I can deescalate myself to a 1 pretty fast. Took a looong time to get there so they're all afraid to fuck with my meds that keep me relatively sane and 'calm' LOL. Even on all the meds I'm on I'm still high speed, and need them to even try to shut down and sleep. I took my night meds for example at 10pm and if you check the meds I'm on they would literally kill a normal person and here I am wide awake still at 01:30 cruising EVO but I know enough to go lay down and I'll be out like a light once I 'let' them work.

The heart meds I don't know but I've been on them since 2019. I have an appt with the cardiologist in 12 months (every year) and that will be a question I certainly ask her for sure.

at the end of the day trust your doctor

 

[BeMe]

Log Update today 23Aug2025


Protein Update: Protein PR today! 625 grams!
Psyllium husk added today: 15g with each meal


Training today: **wanna get my arms back to standard after the injury**

Bi's: concentration curls - 20's warmup 3 sets. 40's to failure 3 sets 9reps, 8reps, 6reps immediate transition to dropset to 25's to failure 12reps
Bi's: EZ bar curl - 20's each side warmup 1 set. 25's each side 1 set 12reps. 30's each side 1 set 12reps. 40's each side 1 set to failure until I starting 'swinging' it, 8 reps.
Bi's: Cross body hammer curls -30's 3 sets of 12 reps, last set to failure was a bad looking 12th rep

**elbow injury flared up a tiny bit with the hammer curls**

Tri's: One dumbbell behind the head raise - 30's for warmup 2 sets of 15. Controlled decent and deep stretch with 50's for 10 reps, 60's for 8 reps and 70's to failure 8 reps focusing on the eccentrics.
Tri's: cable bar pushdown - no warmup just 3 sets to failure increasing weight each time. Last set was 6 reps with the 6th looking ugly but great contractions.
Tri's: kickbacks - 20's for 10 reps, 20's for 10 reps, 30's for 8 reps until form was lost and the swinging started.

Delts: seated dumbbell press: 40's warmup x 2 sets. 60's 3 sets of 10 reps. 70's 1 set to failure with 7th rep being ugly.
Delts: seated fly machine: 3 sets to failure, pin at 80, 90, then 110. This hits my traps too I love this machine.
Delts: cable raises (like pulling a sword out of its sheath) 3 sets to failure each arm. Pin set to 50,60, then 70.

Abs: 5 sets of crunches to failure (didn't count lol)

Will be adding in cardio soon



Diet: 2MAD TODAY

Meal # 1 (Protein shake and 500g egg whites and one pound of hamburger patties washed down with a banana 30g milk protein drink):

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Lean ground sirloin patties x 4:

800 cals
90 P
36 F
0 C

500g egg whites (whole carton):
240 cals
55 P
5 F
0 C

Premier Protein 30g Banana Protein drink:
30g P

Meal # 1 total:
1898 cals
327 P
56 F
21 C



Meal # 2 (0.88kg=2lbs of flank steak + half pound ground hamburger):

0.88kg flank:
2437 cals
250 P
150 F
0 C

0.5 pound of lean ground hamburger:
322 cals
48 P
12 F
0 C

Meal #2 Total:
2759 cals
298 P
162 F
0 C


Total today 23Aug2025:
4659 cals
625g Protein
218g Fat
21g Carbs


Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now **new dose** - right before bed **going to see if the 20mg was the cause of the lethargy and see if I can tolerate 20mg for a few days**


Supps today (added two new ones and upped the biotin):
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**NEW: Psyllium husk 30g
**NEW: Ubiquinol 100mg @LevButlerov (see questions)


GEAR today:
Nothing pinned today

Orals: 20mg dbol

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Got 1kg of psyllium husk at Bulk Barn. Took 15g with each meal. Is this enough? 30g total today
- Added ubiquinol for heart health and oxidation. Is 100mg enough? It's the downstream precursor of CoQ10.

Damn bro you're killing it. The amount of protein and beef you eat you should consider cattle farming lol.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Damn bro you're killing it. The amount of protein and beef you eat you should consider cattle farming lol.

Haha when red meat goes on sale especially the flank I walk out with a quarter cow

 

[Tiger Salman Khan]

My addiction story from 2012 til 2021.

Like all us addicts our stories are filled with wreckage and damage we've caused so I'll spare you the gory details and stick to the DOC's (drugs of choice) during what years they were and where I ended up and when I got sober. I'll use bullet points as my story spans almost a decade.

• Police Officer from 1999-2019 (20 years and was out)
• Used booze like any cop to unwind and overdid it often, no biggie, drank hard on days off and never when working
• Worked with our ERT = Emergency Response Team (in the US they call it SWAT or some variation) otherwise was a traffic cop, lots of pissed off motorists and gory ass blood and guts accidents
• Due to my level of callouts and what I did both on ERT and at car wrecks my head and mental state got all fucked up. I was pure adrenaline all the time and wired for speed. I had what's called Operator Syndrome (or some call it severe c-PTSD) which basically turns you into a powder keg of rage ready to explode at any time but makes you great at your job.
• In 2012 I was rear ended by a drunk driver and prescribed Percocets (oxycodone and tylenol). I fucking LOVED them and they helped the PTSD I didn't know I had. They didn't make me tired like most people they gave me energy and at the same time calmed my mind down. I had zero problems and felt at peace in my head. I was on them for as long as the doc would prescribe them until he got wind from my ex wife I was using the shit out of them. He cut my prescription off and I got withdrawals and sick as fuck so I started getting them from a buddy. Drained my bank account and took whatever was for sale, dilaudid, hydromorphone, oxycontin, fentanyl patches, anything to keep that "everything is fucking great" feeling and also not to feel like your hair hurts when the wind blows (the withdrawals are fucking awful). Was going to work and functioning on all this as it gave me energy and my mood was ever more alpha.
• Got caught due to finances and came clean. Police Force sent me to rehab in 2012 where I was told I was apparently an alcoholic and an addict. I thought they were full of shit but played the game. Went back to work and was on Suboxone (buprenorphine) which makes any pain pill not work. I was "cured" and made a go at no booze as well and did the whole AA thing too. Even worked the 12-step program but inside I hadn't accepted I was fucked and was just playing the game.
• Time went by and from 2012-2014 I started drinking again and convinced the ex that booze was never my problem.
• Meanwhile from 2012-2014 I had some of the craziest ERT calls ever. High speed no knock warrant breaches and shootings, went home like meh whatever and would drink a 12-pack and slam some liquor too, problem solved and a good day at work. Was in great shape looked like He-Man marvel character and had an ego that could fill the room. Mindset was another bad guy with a hole in the head fucking right I did good today. Not knowing this takes a toll on the mind.
• Early 2014 my non cop friends (who all did blow and I didn't care) crunched me out a line and I did one and loved that too (shocking). Oh but still, I wasn't no addict or alcoholic my job is stressful and I'm blowing off steam. Hence the cocaine addiction started for all of 2014. Got caught and ponied up that I was doing blow always while I drank and sent back to the same rehab. In rehab this time they said I also have severe PTSD. Got out knowing I "over do it" and told myself well I'm high fuckin speed I don't do anything half way and that's what makes me a good operator so I can control this and just stop.
• Right after getting out of rehab for addiction I get sent back for PTSD (same rehab again - an in house 8 week program and you don't get visits). So this was my 1st and 2nd bit in rehab.
• Late 2014 I attend my final call for duty (a bad one) and I go home and get fucked up on booze and cocaine for about a week and call in sick to work. Ex wife drives me to the nut house and I get admitted for 3-day involuntary custody for evaluation. I come being diagnosed with Alcohol use disorder, Cocaine use disorder, Opiate use disorder and severe c-PTSD and am given a doctors note to stay off work for 6 months until I've seen a Psychiatrist and properly assessed.
• Finally get in with a Psychiatrist and it goes bad (so I thought). He says I'm borderline psychotic and may be good at my job but I've been through too much and my brain has changed. MRI of my amygdala shows it's enlarged and I'm on constant fight or flight mode even while sober. Psychiatrist reaches out to Workmen's Comp saying I have a brain injury due to "multiple traumatic events over time" and am deemed unemployable and need rehabilitation for an indeterminate amount of time. In Canada it's called WSIB (workmen's comp in US)
• Divorced the ex who had had enough and met who I thought was the "love of my life" in 2015. I go back to rehab for a 3rd and 4th time for addiction and PTSD to show her I loved her (lol). My kids (I have 4) would visit on weekends and once during the week for dinner and then my two sons didn't wanna live with Mom so they moved in with me. Now I had a "real" reason to stay sober and didn't need AA anymore (addicts always think they got shit figured out themselves). My kids needed me and so did my 2nd wife's kids (my 3 stepkids at the time - her own 3 kids). In hindsight I know that trying to stay sober for your kids is a bullshit reason if you're a true addict and alcoholic it can only last so long.
• I was getting paid full pay and thought HAHA fuck you government I'm fine I get to workout and netflix and chill all day
• From From 2015-2017 I stay sober "for my kids" because they need me
• In 2018 (yes shocking I ride motorcycles) I join a biker club and have ONE beer with them. Off I went, from ONE beer
• That one beer led me to resenting my second wife and moving out with my two sons into a condo of our own.
• I rode with the club almost 24/7 and abandoned my two boys who had to move back in with my 2nd wife who I had left
• I got deep into drinking, using cocaine and crack, selling large amount of meth and cocaine and am still on WSIB due to a mental injury preventing me from working.
• From my last call in 2014 until this day I'm still seeing a psychologist but WSIB poured it on hard from to try and see if I could ever be retrained to work anywhere at anything again.
• In late 2018 I was deemed "unfit" as a candidate for ANY employment and my file was closed as a hopeless case and I was "permanently injured" on the job. This meant I was on a medical disability pension receiving 100% of my income and left to my own devices. The books were closed on me and I was on a pension now with WSIB benefits as well covering any expense I needed for therapy or head shrinking.
• After realizing I was told I was actually that fucked I left the bike club and came home and realized that yes my two sons had really left. I was alone now. I felt sorry for myself and kept the drinking and cocaine going hard on my own. I watched the movie Leaving Las Vegas over and over and would watch gory military movies and incessantly watch any kill videos I could find on websites that were what I used to do. Apparently this is trauma bonding.
• My family were the best parents and sister a guy could ask for. They'd try their best to help but really were just enabling me from getting to bottom and they see that now and I used up every last bit of enabling I could until they figured it out and I was now really, truly on my own.
• None of the meds worked from 2014-2018. Even while sober from 2015-2017 the meds did fuck all and I was always sweating, red in the face and had a short temper. I was a "dry drunk" that just wanted that high speed back and was a narcissistic asshole.
• Back alone in my condo with no family and no kids I started pounding back 60oz of Jack Daniels a day and switched to vodka. A 60oz of vodka a day. The word around AA is that once you've gotten yourself down to vodka only you're at the end. Well, I was. I didn't know you could do this but I drank myself to death. I officially "retired" in early 2019 and was no longer a cop and had to hand in my badge and was now on a full medical psycho pension.
• In June of 2019 I was at my parents for a weekend and believe it or not because I wasn't drinking enough there (to try and be respectful) they would give me a couple shots every 2 hours to keep me sane and stable but this ended up being a bad approach to a hard case like me.
• I had a seizure and couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of fluid and I couldn't breathe. My body was so full of edema I looked like a bloated whale. This all in front of my parents
• Ambulance called and the last I remember saying in a calm voice to the paramedic (and to this day my Dad laughs at how calm I was) was "I'm going down you've got 5 minutes to intubate or I'm done, call my sister and my kids"
• 6 weeks later I wake and am told I had died for 10 minutes. My ribs are broken from CPR and I have tubes down in my lungs and into my nose all for food and oxygen. I was on life support for a bit and my heart had been shocked back to get a pulse.
• I get released and had "learned my lesson" and went back to my own place and my two sons came back to live with me. Got released in July 2019 and my "lesson" I learned lasted until October 2019 when my son turned 19 which is drinking age where I am so I thought it'd be a good idea to take him a strip club and have "one beer". I woke up in my room surrounded by a half used ounce of cocaine and bottles everywhere. My son said "Dad you can't drink" and I knew it but didn't care. They moved back in with wife # 2 and I was alone again. this time I knew how much would kill me so I backed off the 60oz and kept it around 40oz.
• Meanwhile I was in and out of the hospital or detox centres about a half dozen times each between October 2019 and April 2021.
• I quit the cocaine to be just an alcohol drinker thinking this was a kind gesture to my family and this went on until late April 2021 when (and mind you I somehow maintained my muscle mass and general shape and have a black belt in BJJ and a head full of hate and rage) I go balistic on a guy at a bar and smash him a new face and stabbed him too. Off to jail I go, and literally I knew half the cops dealing with me and they would tip toe around me like I was some psychotic alien. Due to my mental history, being flagged as "violent" in the 'system', "suicidal", an "escape risk" and possibly "armed" (basically every flag a cop would hear if I got pulled over or contacted on the street)
• My case was adjourned so many times I can't recall how many but it didn't get dealt with until 2023.
• Meanwhile my parents hire a hard hitting lawyer who somehow, my Gods grace, convinces the Judge to grant me bail so long as I live with my parents and am on strict house arrest. This might make you laugh but I had them add the condition that I was allowed to travel to and from the gym for "mental health reasons". I maintained a TRT the whole time since 2015.
• I get out after a week waiting for bail and am living with my parents. This is now early May 2021. I convince them I need to keep drinking or I mentally won't survive and I promise to keep to myself in the basement and just be quiet down there and drink. My Dad drives me to the liquor store every day.
• In a moment of clarity I realize my oldest sons birthday is coming up on July 5th and I order him a new set of golf clubs and a kickass new golf bag. On the day of his birthday he comes over to get his birthday present and I'm practically in a coma and my Dad had to give him the golf clubs for me and my Mom takes a picture of him and my Dad (his grandpa) while I'm downstairs passed out.
• I wake up July 6th and yell up the stairs to my Dad "Is Connor coming today for his golf clubs?" and my Dad says you missed it, that was yesterday he came and got them already.
• After ALL the shit, all the damage and warning signs and rehabs and ex wives and my kids having an unpredictable home not knowing if they could be with me THIS was my personal bottom
• They say a man's personal bottom is very personal and it has to come from within. You have to find your bottom and YOU have to be sick of your own self and want to either die, or make a go of it ONLY for yourself. This was my moment.
• I started at the bottom of the stairs and crawled and inched my way to the top while my Dad watched me, saying nothing. I got to the top and said "I'm done". My Dad very stoically said "Ok let's go" and he drove me to the hospital.
• I was in the hospital for about a month getting my organs and body back in shape to even execute my aftercare plan
• I called a sponsor who had been waiting for me to call for three years since I died in 2019 and he said "so I hear you're done?" and I said "ya i'm fuckin done man this is it or i'm dead and I hate myself and want to die". Being the amazing sponsor he is he said "Good".
• My sober date is July 6, 2021, the day after my sons birthday. I worked the 12-step program and rediscovered my relationship with God and work the steps to this day. Despite being sober since July 6th, 2021 I developed an amazon addiction and a sugar addiction and gained 80 lbs while sober. This was a good lesson because an addict is an addict with anything, it's not just the booze or the drugs that's the problem it's ME! I solved this by being honest with myself and cut myself off buying anything and ran a hard core keto diet for 8 months and went from 270+ lbs to 190lbs in 8 months.
• With six months of sobriety I attend rehab for the 5th and 6th time for addiction and PTSD only this time I attend and I mean business, with a clear head, truly sober and with honesty openness and willingness.
• Meanwhile the wreckage of my past came knocking and my court case finally came due in January of 2024 and I was sentenced to 3 months in our version of a supermax (in the US it's called the SHU) due to the violent tendencies and mental issues that you never get 'unflagged' for just because you've been sober for a couple years they still consider you flagged as a threat. 3 months was a super light sentence but it had been because I had gotten my shit together for those 2 years and abided by all bail conditions and had been sober and had a great PSI report for the Judge. A single cell locked down 23 hours a day and out for 1 hour about half the days of the week depending on the guards moods. The first 3 days were hell, like an in shock kind of feeling and then my 12-step program and Faith kicked in and I settled in for the ride and knew I was there for a reason.
• I'm almost 2 years sober going inside and not being given a break by the Judge was a huge blessing in disguise. I had time to reflect, and read, and found out who my true circle is but most importantly in there I found myself
• I got out in April 2024 and celebrated my 3 year sobriety on July 6th 2024.
• On July 6th that just passed I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend who doesn't drink and is as badass as I ever thought I was and accepts, respects, and supports everything about me and my past and she says she can't picture that old me one bit and that it has to have been removed (which is what the big book of AA says will happen - "the problem will be removed", that problem not being the drugs or alcohol but that problem being "me", so there needed to be a new me and that comes with Step 12)
• Today, everything is behind me, I have an amazing relationship with my kids I miss ZERO events for them and they call me when they need me and everything I do for others makes me feel grateful now. My job is to help others and think zero of myself. I try not to do much of my own thinking and give it up to God or call my sponsor.
• My parents drink and when I'm around it I don't even notice and if offered it by someone that doesn't know me I recoil from it like it's a hot flame (this is how it's described in the book and this is what happened to me by honestly working the steps and being bottom willing to go to any lengths to get sober and stay recovered from this horrible disease)
• Now I sponsor other men with this disease and have helped 2 so far (out of countless dozens who've tried with me) make it through to other side of it. 2 out of 100 isn't that bad considering how this gets ahold of you but truly I help others to keep myself sober and if the man I'm sponsoring makes it then that's a bonus.

That is about as much as I can condense for you brothers. I won't tell the horror stories of me sniffing lines off the police cruiser laptop or the lying cheating and stealing money from my family or bad guys for my own drugs, stealing and lying to anyone and everyone because if you're a recovered addict I know you can just imagine the shit I've been through and done.

Now, I'm a dedicated Dad, step Dad to my girlfriends amazing kids, reliable brother and very trusted friend to many amazing people. I am honest to a fault without regretting and so it direct to everyone and people appreciate whether they know it or not. I get up every day at 6am, attend one meeting a week, currently sponsoring a man named "Garry" and my addiction is now the gym and bio-hacking with PED use to see my body transform.

Now the meds: due to the damage to my heart I needed anti-remodeling meds and due to the lifelong diagnosis of Operator Syndrome I am finally on the meds that keep me calm with mood stability and be able to sleep as well. My ejection fraction went from 22% to 53% and my cardiologist said I'm a walking miracle and my heart as healed itself. Nonetheless I'm on a laundry list of meds for both my heart and my psyche/Operator Syndrom.

So here's the list of my meds:

Zopiclone 7.5mg ED @ night (sleep)
Tadalafil 5mg ED @ morning (blood pressure/ED)
Sertraline=Zoloft 200mg @ night (mood)
Entresto 100mg (48.6mg Sacubitril/51.4mg Valsartin) @ night (heart)
Seroquil=Quetiapine 50mg @ night (anti-psychotic/sleep)
Prazosin 11mg @ night (nightmares/flashbacks)
Pantoprazole 40mg @ morning (stomach)
Lasix 40mg @ morning (water retention/edema - heart)
Eplerenone 25mg @ morning (heart)
Diazepam=Valium 10mg @ night (sleep/calm CNS)
Bisoprolol 10mg @ morning (heart)


So there's my personal story as promised @LevButlerov and all EVO bros. I'm sure there's many out there like me for sure. God bless.

@HarleyGuy bro for a moment i thought i was reading a movie story.....honestly we can only assume but it takes heck of a strength and dedication to bounce back from where you were.....massive respect and immensely proud on how you are now helping others to get back on track.......

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy bro for a moment i thought i was reading a movie story.....honestly we can only assume but it takes heck of a strength and dedication to bounce back from where you were.....massive respect and immensely proud on how you are now helping others to get back on track.......

Thank you very much @Tiger Salman Khan I truly appreciate it and it definitely is my work now to give back and help others, even on here when I can.

 

[LevButlerov]

Garbage! Scammer website and scammer @Kickoverload EVO "member" who joins last night to come on and give rave reviews to PharmaTechs DECA. It's in the garbage!
If I had the money to care to prove the point I'd ship this off to prove it's cotton seed oil in a bottle probably with some EO to make it have his so called "PIP" he claims pganabolics give you in his resurrected 6 year old thread.

@Eddie Haskell @LevButlerov @BeMe @Npcclassicphysique champ @ROIDDERS @ceo @BodyMonster34 @stevesmi @Mobster

Right in the trash lol @HarleyGuy

 

[LevButlerov]

Log Update today 23Aug2025


Protein Update: Protein PR today! 625 grams!
Psyllium husk added today: 15g with each meal


Training today: **wanna get my arms back to standard after the injury**

Bi's: concentration curls - 20's warmup 3 sets. 40's to failure 3 sets 9reps, 8reps, 6reps immediate transition to dropset to 25's to failure 12reps
Bi's: EZ bar curl - 20's each side warmup 1 set. 25's each side 1 set 12reps. 30's each side 1 set 12reps. 40's each side 1 set to failure until I starting 'swinging' it, 8 reps.
Bi's: Cross body hammer curls -30's 3 sets of 12 reps, last set to failure was a bad looking 12th rep

**elbow injury flared up a tiny bit with the hammer curls**

Tri's: One dumbbell behind the head raise - 30's for warmup 2 sets of 15. Controlled decent and deep stretch with 50's for 10 reps, 60's for 8 reps and 70's to failure 8 reps focusing on the eccentrics.
Tri's: cable bar pushdown - no warmup just 3 sets to failure increasing weight each time. Last set was 6 reps with the 6th looking ugly but great contractions.
Tri's: kickbacks - 20's for 10 reps, 20's for 10 reps, 30's for 8 reps until form was lost and the swinging started.

Delts: seated dumbbell press: 40's warmup x 2 sets. 60's 3 sets of 10 reps. 70's 1 set to failure with 7th rep being ugly.
Delts: seated fly machine: 3 sets to failure, pin at 80, 90, then 110. This hits my traps too I love this machine.
Delts: cable raises (like pulling a sword out of its sheath) 3 sets to failure each arm. Pin set to 50,60, then 70.

Abs: 5 sets of crunches to failure (didn't count lol)

Will be adding in cardio soon



Diet: 2MAD TODAY

Meal # 1 (Protein shake and 500g egg whites and one pound of hamburger patties washed down with a banana 30g milk protein drink):

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C

Lean ground sirloin patties x 4:

800 cals
90 P
36 F
0 C

500g egg whites (whole carton):
240 cals
55 P
5 F
0 C

Premier Protein 30g Banana Protein drink:
30g P

Meal # 1 total:
1898 cals
327 P
56 F
21 C



Meal # 2 (0.88kg=2lbs of flank steak + half pound ground hamburger):

0.88kg flank:
2437 cals
250 P
150 F
0 C

0.5 pound of lean ground hamburger:
322 cals
48 P
12 F
0 C

Meal #2 Total:
2759 cals
298 P
162 F
0 C


Total today 23Aug2025:
4659 cals
625g Protein
218g Fat
21g Carbs


Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now **new dose** - right before bed **going to see if the 20mg was the cause of the lethargy and see if I can tolerate 20mg for a few days**


Supps today (added two new ones and upped the biotin):
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1600mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**NEW: Psyllium husk 30g
**NEW: Ubiquinol 100mg @LevButlerov (see questions)


GEAR today:
Nothing pinned today

Orals: 20mg dbol

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Got 1kg of psyllium husk at Bulk Barn. Took 15g with each meal. Is this enough? 30g total today
- Added ubiquinol for heart health and oxidation. Is 100mg enough? It's the downstream precursor of CoQ10.

Good day overall @HarleyGuy
Congratulations to our new PROTEIN KING @HarleyGuy the man put down 600 grams of protein, you're a beast
@BeMe @toddthelineman @BodyMonster34 @Eddie Haskell

- Got 1kg of psyllium husk at Bulk Barn. Took 15g with each meal. Is this enough? 30g total today

This is enough but you need to make sure you put down over 1 gallon of water per day.

- Added ubiquinol for heart health and oxidation. Is 100mg enough? It's the downstream precursor of CoQ10.

100msg is enough you can even start with 50mgs.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Log Update: 24Aug2025


Protein Today: 532 grams!
New: each meal - Psyllium husk: 15g with each meal = 30g total minimum ED


Training today: **legs, calves, traps, abs**

Squats: Warmup with bar for form, warmup with 25 x 20, warmup with 45's x 12. 3 sets of two plates x 8. 3rd set to failure. Still gaining strength back after the layoff.
Quad extensions: No warmup, 4 drop sets back to back with 20-30 seconds rest in between. 4th set straight to failure until I saw stars.
Calves: Standing calf raises. I just usually do 3/4 of the rack to failure for at least 4 sets then use the whole rack and force out 6-8 to failure, deep stretch at the bottom. My left calf is fucked from blowing out knee on duty so I then do only that one calf to failure for one last set using half the rack.
Traps: Dumbbell shrugs. No warmup. 80's for 12 reps. 90's for 12 reps. 100's for 10 reps, 4th set 90's to failure, then I take the 70's and just go to failure.
Abs: Ab roller wheel - this thing hits my core like nuts! I do 4 sets to failure each set.

Will be adding in cardio soon



Diet: 2MAD TODAY - (going to start adding in more brown rice as weight isn't really going up and I don't know how it's not LOL)

Meal # 1:

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

15g psyllium husk chugged in water before meal (measured using a 5g creatine scoop that I don't use because I use the whey protein scoop from my protein to take 20g creatine ED)

Meal # 1 total:
838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C


Meal # 2 (1kg=2.2lbs of flank steak + 4x Protein milk - see pics!):

1kg flank:
3000 cals
250 P
200 F
0 C

4 x Premier Protein 30g Banana Protein drink:
640 cals
120 P
10 F
20 C

15g psyllium husk chugged in water before meal

Meal #2 Total:
4478 cals
370 P
210 F
20 C



Total today 23Aug2025:
4659 cals
532g Protein
225g Fat
41g Carbs

30g Psyllium husk
20g Creatine

Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now **new dose** - right before bed **tolerating new dose of 20mg MK677 well - no lethargy**


Supps today (new: got Karbolyn):
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1200mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**NEW YESTERDAY: Psyllium husk 30g
**NEW YESTERDAY: Ubiquinol 100mg @LevButlerov (see questions)
**NEW TODAY: Got Karbolyn today. Touchdown pic attached.

GEAR today:

1ml NF Trenomast = 100mg trenA + 100mg mastP (pinning once a week but pin NF Trenomast twice a week due to the short ester)

Orals: 20mg dbol

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Any feedback on Karbolyn?

 

[LevButlerov]

I was going to DM you this question but I thought I'd post it on here for whoever is following my log. Are you able to discern why your preference for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? Ultimately I'm going to run what you suggest as the knowledge on here is incredible but in my own 'research' (limited research compared to you gurus) the raloxifene seems to be more receptive at the ER whereas I think Nolva is more of the 'parent' drug to Raloxifene. Can you give me one of your awesome speeches about this so I can pull the trigger on my NF order for Nolva vs. Raloxifene? I'm gonna order about 12 weeks worth of it and I have enough aromasin already too. The N2Guard is on it's way.

@HarleyGuy Tamoxifen is the best choice for gyno because it has the most clinical evidence in men. One trial showed 7 out of 10 males had a clear reduction in breast size using 10 mg twice daily tamoxifen with pain relief as well. Another study on pubertal gyno reported close to 86 percent success with tamoxifen treatment over a few months. Raloxifene has shown promise especially in teens with a report of around 91 percent improvement. The problem is raloxifene has very limited data in adult steroid related gyno while nolva has decades of proven use. Nolva also has more consistent dosing protocols that doctors follow which makes it easier to trust the outcome. Ralox may look stronger on paper at the receptor but real world results lean towards nolvadex. If you plan a 12 week run nolva is the safer bet to shrink the lump and relieve symptoms.

Reading for you
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3526085
https://journals.lww.com/ijpam/full..._treat\_male\_pubertal\_gynaecomastia.11.aspx
https://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(04)00319-1/abstract

 

[HarleyGuy]

Good day overall @HarleyGuy
Congratulations to our new PROTEIN KING @HarleyGuy the man put down 600 grams of protein, you're a beast
@BeMe @toddthelineman @BodyMonster34 @Eddie Haskell

Mad love to you all! This community is truly responsible for keeping me accountable to my protein intake on this cycle. Special shoutout and thank you to @LevButlerov

 

[toddthelineman]

Good day overall @HarleyGuy
Congratulations to our new PROTEIN KING @HarleyGuy the man put down 600 grams of protein, you're a beast
@BeMe @toddthelineman @BodyMonster34 @Eddie Haskell

This is enough but you need to make sure you put down over 1 gallon of water per day.

100msg is enough you can even start with 50mgs.

That’s a lot! I can’t recall if I hit 600 in a day, I think I did. Got close a few times. I wasn’t sure if I was just wasting money on meat at first, but after a while I did notice that I was recovering quite well and in that log I wasn’t really trying to reach any goal, just eating and lifting. And it was the best results I’ve had since I began my journey.

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy Tamoxifen is the best choice for gyno because it has the most clinical evidence in men. One trial showed 7 out of 10 males had a clear reduction in breast size using 10 mg twice daily tamoxifen with pain relief as well. Another study on pubertal gyno reported close to 86 percent success with tamoxifen treatment over a few months. Raloxifene has shown promise especially in teens with a report of around 91 percent improvement. The problem is raloxifene has very limited data in adult steroid related gyno while nolva has decades of proven use. Nolva also has more consistent dosing protocols that doctors follow which makes it easier to trust the outcome. Ralox may look stronger on paper at the receptor but real world results lean towards nolvadex. If you plan a 12 week run nolva is the safer bet to shrink the lump and relieve symptoms.

Reading for you
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3526085
https://journals.lww.com/ijpam/full..._treat\_male\_pubertal\_gynaecomastia.11.aspx
https://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(04)00319-1/abstract

I fuckin LOVE this man! Thank you. My order will be placed tonight. And the science articles... I read those all freakin day! Thank you!

I should have added to my addiction story that I was on my way to getting my M.Sc (math, physics) when I quit and joined the Police Force before finishing and never even bothered to finish or defend my thesis paper. Another typical adrenaline impulsive addict behaviour; in hindsight even that behaviour was presenting back in 1999! So I follow the science and can soak a lot of it in for the most part and appreciate the pubmed and legit journals, I WILL be reading them!

 

[HarleyGuy]

That’s a lot! I can’t recall if I hit 600 in a day, I think I did. Got close a few times. I wasn’t sure if I was just wasting money on meat at first, but after a while I did notice that I was recovering quite well and in that log I wasn’t really trying to reach any goal, just eating and lifting. And it was the best results I’ve had since I began my journey.

I think my addict brain and personality just decides on a number and I force feed until it's done. I wanted to PR that day so I did. I'm not sure if I could do that ED but glad I did it once. I made sure to document that 600+ day really well too with pics and details.

When my strength comes back and I step it up a notch I'm gonna go for a 700+ day, just because LOL.

 

[toddthelineman]

I think my addict brain and personality just decides on a number and I force feed until it's done. I wanted to PR that day so I did. I'm not sure if I could do that ED but glad I did it once. I made sure to document that 600+ day really well too with pics and details.

When my strength comes back and I step it up a notch I'm gonna go for a 700+ day, just because LOL.

Hahaha 700?! See you there

 

[BeMe]

Good day overall @HarleyGuy
Congratulations to our new PROTEIN KING @HarleyGuy the man put down 600 grams of protein, you're a beast
@BeMe @toddthelineman @BodyMonster34 @Eddie Haskell

This is enough but you need to make sure you put down over 1 gallon of water per day.

100msg is enough you can even start with 50mgs.

Congrats @HarleyGuy

You definitely earned it!!! You're single handedly making our planet cooler with all the cow methane you're eliminating lol

 

[BeMe]

Hahaha 700?! See you there

You two are next level lol

 

[toddthelineman]

You two are next level lol

I used to live near Purdue university, and my gf and I frequently went to this sushi buffet where the Japanese students and faculty would come in groups of like 20. The way they’d pile it on had me in disbelief! I had never, nor since, seen any other slim people besides myself eat small mountains of food. If you didn’t get your fill before they came you might as well leave hahaha. They eat all of it! The place closed eventually lmao

 

[LevButlerov]

Log Update: 24Aug2025


Protein Today: 532 grams!
New: each meal - Psyllium husk: 15g with each meal = 30g total minimum ED


Training today: **legs, calves, traps, abs**

Squats: Warmup with bar for form, warmup with 25 x 20, warmup with 45's x 12. 3 sets of two plates x 8. 3rd set to failure. Still gaining strength back after the layoff.
Quad extensions: No warmup, 4 drop sets back to back with 20-30 seconds rest in between. 4th set straight to failure until I saw stars.
Calves: Standing calf raises. I just usually do 3/4 of the rack to failure for at least 4 sets then use the whole rack and force out 6-8 to failure, deep stretch at the bottom. My left calf is fucked from blowing out knee on duty so I then do only that one calf to failure for one last set using half the rack.
Traps: Dumbbell shrugs. No warmup. 80's for 12 reps. 90's for 12 reps. 100's for 10 reps, 4th set 90's to failure, then I take the 70's and just go to failure.
Abs: Ab roller wheel - this thing hits my core like nuts! I do 4 sets to failure each set.

Will be adding in cardio soon



Diet: 2MAD TODAY - (going to start adding in more brown rice as weight isn't really going up and I don't know how it's not LOL)

Meal # 1:

Protein shake
Whey 3-scoops = 450 cals 75g P 9g C 9g F
Protein milk 320 cals 60g P 12g C 6g F
Collagen Peptide Protein 1 scoop same size as the whey 68 cals 17g P
Creatine 20g
1 cup blueberries
4 tbsp cinnamon
vanilla extract

15g psyllium husk chugged in water before meal (measured using a 5g creatine scoop that I don't use because I use the whey protein scoop from my protein to take 20g creatine ED)

Meal # 1 total:
838 cals
152g P
15g F
21g C


Meal # 2 (1kg=2.2lbs of flank steak + 4x Protein milk - see pics!):

1kg flank:
3000 cals
250 P
200 F
0 C

4 x Premier Protein 30g Banana Protein drink:
640 cals
120 P
10 F
20 C

15g psyllium husk chugged in water before meal

Meal #2 Total:
4478 cals
370 P
210 F
20 C



Total today 23Aug2025:
4659 cals
532g Protein
225g Fat
41g Carbs

30g Psyllium husk
20g Creatine

Peptides today:
GLOW (70mg total per vial - GHK 50mg/TB 10mg/BPC 10mg) @ 1.25mg/250mcg/250mcg twice daily AM and PM
IGF1-LR3 50mcg in morning (running for 4 weeks - loaded 3ml bac water into 1mg vial and draw to about 15iu)
Jeotropin HGH 3iu @ night fasted
MK677 20mg now **new dose** - right before bed **tolerating new dose of 20mg MK677 well - no lethargy**


Supps today (new: got Karbolyn):
Digest Gold 2 caps before each meal (I usually take what the bottle says and double it LOL)
NAC 1200mg
Biotin 10mg (10,000 mcg) x 3 = 30mg biotin (thin hair lol) **upped this to 30mg**
Berberine 1000mg (with every meal)
Milk Thistle 3 pills providing 450mg of silymarin
Mutant multi vitamin x 2 (one with meal# 1 and meal #2)
Creatine 20g with protein shake
**NEW YESTERDAY: Psyllium husk 30g
**NEW YESTERDAY: Ubiquinol 100mg @LevButlerov (see questions)
**NEW TODAY: Got Karbolyn today. Touchdown pic attached.

GEAR today:

1ml NF Trenomast = 100mg trenA + 100mg mastP (pinning once a week but pin NF Trenomast twice a week due to the short ester)

Orals: 20mg dbol

Breakdown of Weekly cycle:
800mg TestE
200mg TestP (equals 1g Test in the form of my own "Sust" blend)
300mg Deca
200mg TrenA
200mg MastP
100mg DHB
oral: 140mg dbol

Total weekly gear breakdown:
1.14g T
500mg 19-Nor
300mg DHT

Questions:
- Any feedback on Karbolyn?

I see you taking it to the next level again @HarleyGuy and on Karbolyn its a carb product you can use it pre training if you feel it works for you.

You're going to a new level here!

 

[LevButlerov]

Congrats @HarleyGuy

You definitely earned it!!! You're single handedly making our planet cooler with all the cow methane you're eliminating lol

@HarleyGuy is truly next level EVO family love @BeMe

 

[LevButlerov]

I fuckin LOVE this man! Thank you. My order will be placed tonight. And the science articles... I read those all freakin day! Thank you!

I should have added to my addiction story that I was on my way to getting my M.Sc (math, physics) when I quit and joined the Police Force before finishing and never even bothered to finish or defend my thesis paper. Another typical adrenaline impulsive addict behaviour; in hindsight even that behaviour was presenting back in 1999! So I follow the science and can soak a lot of it in for the most part and appreciate the pubmed and legit journals, I WILL be reading them!

@HarleyGuy should be an interesting way for us to analyze, while your gyno is there for a bit we can certainly lower the size and see how you feel

 

[HarleyGuy]

@HarleyGuy should be an interesting way for us to analyze, while your gyno is there for a bit we can certainly lower the size and see how you feel

I'm definitely looking forward to the experiment. I have the baby aspirin already, a pill cutter for my 12.5 aromasins and I'm placing the order with NF as we speak I'm just gonna wait back to hear that his current BTC blockchain wallet ID is up to date. The N2Guard is shipped as well. In my NF order I've got Nolva, NPP, and EQ because I'm done with DHB. I don't see the point of DHB it was NFTitan that convinced me to try a vial but I'd rather run EQ at a later time and just let it give me a bit of DHB downstream upon conversion instead of slamming myself with the derivative itself.

I also worry that DHB might be made by melting down 1-Testosterone (M1T) tabs and making it injectable which is why people might report the liver issues because real DHB shouldn't really be much worse on the liver than any other injectable if you look at the science. Correct me if I'm wrong of course.

 

[BeMe]

I used to live near Purdue university, and my gf and I frequently went to this sushi buffet where the Japanese students and faculty would come in groups of like 20. The way they’d pile it on had me in disbelief! I had never, nor since, seen any other slim people besides myself eat small mountains of food. If you didn’t get your fill before they came you might as well leave hahaha. They eat all of it! The place closed eventually lmao

My skinny Asian buddies can out eat any giant I know. I have no clue where it even goes in their tiny bodies lol

 

[HarleyGuy]

My skinny Asian buddies can out eat any giant I know. I have no clue where it even goes in their tiny bodies lol

Now you got me really going down a science rabbit hole about the DNA of Asians because you're right they can eat more than a truck of a man, yet you don't see any of them, ever, on the Olympia stage. This is gonna bug me LOL

 

[BeMe]

I'm definitely looking forward to the experiment. I have the baby aspirin already, a pill cutter for my 12.5 aromasins and I'm placing the order with NF as we speak I'm just gonna wait back to hear that his current BTC blockchain wallet ID is up to date. The N2Guard is shipped as well. In my NF order I've got Nolva, NPP, and EQ because I'm done with DHB. I don't see the point of DHB it was NFTitan that convinced me to try a vial but I'd rather run EQ at a later time and just let it give me a bit of DHB downstream upon conversion instead of slamming myself with the derivative itself.

I also worry that DHB might be made by melting down 1-Testosterone (M1T) tabs and making it injectable which is why people might report the liver issues because real DHB shouldn't really be much worse on the liver than any other injectable if you look at the science. Correct me if I'm wrong of course.

I've seen nothing but bad about DHB online. Vigorous Steve did a really good video listing all the reasons to never touch DHB and just use straight boldenone instead. Sounded like a lot of needless toxicity.

Good move with the switch bro

 

[BeMe]

Now you got me really going down a science rabbit hole about the DNA of Asians because you're right they can eat more than a truck of a man, yet you don't see any of them, ever, on the Olympia stage. This is gonna bug me LOL

Remember that Japanese eating champion guy back in day. He'd smash all those 300+lb guys.

 

[toddthelineman]

Now you got me really going down a science rabbit hole about the DNA of Asians because you're right they can eat more than a truck of a man, yet you don't see any of them, ever, on the Olympia stage. This is gonna bug me LOL

Brains need a lot of fuel

 

[BeMe]

Brains need a lot of fuel

The real question I have is where does it go?? How can a little stomach handle that much food. I've seen friends eat 6 full plates at Chinese buffets. Just doesn't seem physically possible but I've seen it

 

[HarleyGuy]

I've seen nothing but bad about DHB online. Vigorous Steve did a really good video listing all the reasons to never touch DHB and just use straight boldenone instead. Sounded like a lot of needless toxicity.

Good move with the switch bro

Thanks bro! And yes I remember Steve's video on that. I like how get right down to the dalton weight of the molecules and explains how a compound goes downstream from upstream, etc. DHB makes no sense to run and it's binding assay's and receptor affinities are suspect too as is the possible method in which it's made with all the leftover M1T that was saturating the market in the early 2000's (and yes of course I took it too like a dumbass LOL).

A downstream compound from DHB is actually 1-AD which I also took during the 'prohormone' (ie: actual "designer steroid") boom. Usually, and in general I say take the parent compound and let it do it's work while mainting an eye on your E2 (the days of keeping it super low are over and having it skyrocket has never been a good thing either), SHBG, and cystatin-C.

 

[toddthelineman]

The real question I have is where does it go?? How can a little stomach handle that much food. I've seen friends eat 6 full plates at Chinese buffets. Just doesn't seem physically possible but I've seen it

That was me. If it’s possible, I ate even more when I was like 155 pounds. But I didn’t eat as regularly so when I did I was starving. I think it just digests and liquefies rapidly when you’re primed to eat like that

 

[BeMe]

Thanks bro! And yes I remember Steve's video on that. I like how get right down to the dalton weight of the molecules and explains how a compound goes downstream from upstream, etc. DHB makes no sense to run and it's binding assay's and receptor affinities are suspect too as is the possible method in which it's made with all the leftover M1T that was saturating the market in the early 2000's (and yes of course I took it too like a dumbass LOL).

A downstream compound from DHB is actually 1-AD which I also took during the 'prohormone' (ie: actual "designer steroid") boom. Usually, and in general I say take the parent compound and let it do it's work while mainting an eye on your E2 (the days of keeping it super low are over and having it skyrocket has never been a good thing either), SHBG, and cystatin-C.

Ya I mean the basics have worked forever and built a lot of amazing physiques. Time tested.

Leave that crazy stuff to the pros. No need to risk your life for the chance of getting a little bit of a better outcome with your peds.

 

[BeMe]

That was me. If it’s possible, I ate even more when I was like 155 pounds. But I didn’t eat as regularly so when I did I was starving. I think it just digests and liquefies rapidly when you’re primed to eat like that

Interesting. Those guys never gain weight either. Probably something similar behind that too

 

[HarleyGuy]

NF order is placed! Let's go baby.

NPP
Nolva
EQ

Touchdown pics likely this week!

 

[HarleyGuy]

@LevButlerov Does N2BM give tracking? My order just says "shipped". No biggie just curious.

 

[LevButlerov]

I'm definitely looking forward to the experiment. I have the baby aspirin already, a pill cutter for my 12.5 aromasins and I'm placing the order with NF as we speak I'm just gonna wait back to hear that his current BTC blockchain wallet ID is up to date. The N2Guard is shipped as well. In my NF order I've got Nolva, NPP, and EQ because I'm done with DHB. I don't see the point of DHB it was NFTitan that convinced me to try a vial but I'd rather run EQ at a later time and just let it give me a bit of DHB downstream upon conversion instead of slamming myself with the derivative itself.

I also worry that DHB might be made by melting down 1-Testosterone (M1T) tabs and making it injectable which is why people might report the liver issues because real DHB shouldn't really be much worse on the liver than any other injectable if you look at the science. Correct me if I'm wrong of course.

@HarleyGuy DHB is ok but I'm more supportive of a test and eq cycle for you based on your situation. Even if you do DHB go slow on the dose 50mgs/week MAX.

 

[LevButlerov]

@LevButlerov Does N2BM give tracking? My order just says "shipped". No biggie just curious.

In USA they do @HarleyGuy
@RoySimpson is their rep here, I just tagged him lets see.
I suggest you DM @RoySimpson with order #.

 

[HarleyGuy]

In USA they do @HarleyGuy
@RoySimpson is their rep here, I just tagged him lets see.
I suggest you DM @RoySimpson with order #.

Perfect! Thank you!!! As always man this community is just like a buffet of knowledge and assistance LOL.

DM to @RoySimpson has been sent with order #

 

[LevButlerov]

Perfect! Thank you!!! As always man this community is just like a buffet of knowledge and assistance LOL.

DM to @RoySimpson has been sent with order #

No problem always here to help you. @HarleyGuy

 

[RoySimpson]

@HarleyGuy email was sent to you 2 days ago. I would check your spam and or junk folder for the email.

 

[HarleyGuy]

@RoySimpson

@HarleyGuy email was sent to you 2 days ago. I would check your spam and or junk folder for the email.

Ahhh yes there it was in the spam... N2BM for the win! You sir have been "unspammed", email away! Excellent work thank you for the fast reply!

 

[BeMe]

@RoySimpson

Ahhh yes there it was in the spam... N2BM for the win! You sir have been "unspammed", email away! Excellent work thank you for the fast reply!

Ya their emails were going straight in my spam folder too. I'm in gmail, not sure about you.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Ya their emails were going straight in my spam folder too. I'm in gmail, not sure about you.

Ya I'm gmail too. Gmail must not like that domain for some reason. I also had to try three different credit cards before the purchase would go through and even the third one sent me a 'suspicious' alert and I had to write back "Yes" that I recognized it.

 

[HarleyGuy]

Ok @BeMe you might get a kick out of this one. Last night before bed I got the munchies (my night meds do that if I don't fall asleep too soon and maybe the MK677 at 20mg) so I plowed through a bag of dry roasted soya beans and chugged to 30g protein milks. I try and snack on something relatively 'healthy' when I do cave in. Now, allllll day I'm bloated as f--k like I'm pregnant! I force fed myself meal # 1 and my stomach looks like a dead whale on the beach after 2 weeks in the sun.

Question: With meal #1 I took 20g psyllium husk, a Gas-X, and 3 caps of DigestGold... Is there anything else that can help with bloating after the fact or am I screwed for the day. I'm thinking of fasting until tomorrow since today is a rest day anyway.

Signed,
Bloated HarleyGuy

 

[BeMe]

Ya I'm gmail too. Gmail must not like that domain for some reason. I also had to try three different credit cards before the purchase would go through and even the third one sent me a 'suspicious' alert and I had to write back "Yes" that I recognized it.

Ya I had something weird like that happen too. But my card just didn't work, I reloaded the page and tried again with the same card and then it went through.

 

[BeMe]

Ok @BeMe you might get a kick out of this one. Last night before bed I got the munchies (my night meds do that if I don't fall asleep too soon and maybe the MK677 at 20mg) so I plowed through a bag of dry roasted soya beans and chugged to 30g protein milks. I try and snack on something relatively 'healthy' when I do cave in. Now, allllll day I'm bloated as f--k like I'm pregnant! I force fed myself meal # 1 and my stomach looks like a dead whale on the beach after 2 weeks in the sun.

Question: With meal #1 I took 20g psyllium husk, a Gas-X, and 3 caps of DigestGold... Is there anything else that can help with bloating after the fact or am I screwed for the day. I'm thinking of fasting until tomorrow since today is a rest day anyway.

Signed,
Bloated HarleyGuy

A lot of guys here talk about how crazy hungry they get on the mk677. Late night maybe try filling up on some veggies instead. I find eating a bowl of raw veggies will really fill me up, it's low cal, and easily digested. Lots of great vitamins and minerals too. Something thats voluminous but easy to digest is what you want. Not sure if protein right before sleep is the way to go. Check the sodium on those soya beans too.

I've read apple cider vinegar will aid in digestion. @LevButlerov recommended it too me when I was having some heart burn. When I read into it I saw it aids in digestion too by helping acidify your stomach.

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar in a tall glass of warm water. Get ready cuz it tastes like shit...but it could help.

 

[LevButlerov]

Ok @BeMe you might get a kick out of this one. Last night before bed I got the munchies (my night meds do that if I don't fall asleep too soon and maybe the MK677 at 20mg) so I plowed through a bag of dry roasted soya beans and chugged to 30g protein milks. I try and snack on something relatively 'healthy' when I do cave in. Now, allllll day I'm bloated as f--k like I'm pregnant! I force fed myself meal # 1 and my stomach looks like a dead whale on the beach after 2 weeks in the sun.

@HarleyGuy soya beans will make you bloated of course, best keep some protein cookies and protein bars around so you can late night snack.
MK677 nutrobal causes hunger prebed in many.

Question: With meal #1 I took 20g psyllium husk, a Gas-X, and 3 caps of DigestGold... Is there anything else that can help with bloating after the fact or am I screwed for the day. I'm thinking of fasting until tomorrow since today is a rest day anyway.

You can do a few things, apple cider vinegar with warm water helps a lot, 2 tbsp. As @BeMe mentioned this was a topic we discussed before.
Or you can do a 24 hour fast which is good as well.

A lot of guys here talk about how crazy hungry they get on the mk677. Late night maybe try filling up on some veggies instead. I find eating a bowl of raw veggies will really fill me up, it's low cal, and easily digested. Lots of great vitamins and minerals too. Something thats voluminous but easy to digest is what you want. Not sure if protein right before sleep is the way to go. Check the sodium on those soya beans too.

I've read apple cider vinegar will aid in digestion. @LevButlerov recommended it too me when I was having some heart burn. When I read into it I saw it aids in digestion too by helping acidify your stomach.

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar in a tall glass of warm water. Get ready cuz it tastes like shit...but it could help.

 

[BeMe]

@HarleyGuy soya beans will make you bloated of course, best keep some protein cookies and protein bars around so you can late night snack.
MK677 nutrobal causes hunger prebed in many.

You can do a few things, apple cider vinegar with warm water helps a lot, 2 tbsp. As @BeMe mentioned this was a topic we discussed before.
Or you can do a 24 hour fast which is good as well.

Is the dosing different for digestion vs heart burn?

I know for heart burn you said 1 tbsp

 

[LevButlerov]

Is the dosing different for digestion vs heart burn?

I know for heart burn you said 1 tbsp

1-2 tbsp is a general dose for both

 

[BeMe]

1-2 tbsp is a general dose for both

Oh boy... 1 tasted bad enough

 

[LevButlerov]

Oh boy... 1 tasted bad enough

Split it 1 hour apart