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Approved Log The "i'm going to Puerto Vallarta and I need to lose 13 pounds in 13 weeks" Log
- Thread starter SFDom415
- Start date
i was doing fasting walks and it worked. problem is winter came and it's been dreary and depressing this year. Haven't ft
like going outside. should be nice again in 8 weeks.
ha Well i just thought seemed sweet and also pretty... so that just works for me
. it there not shortage of fun sexy bros here for sure. Anyway i have my yummy booty boo going and we are going to just fuck like rabbits and never make it to the beach. And i have my tattooed Columbia boys... they are " escorts" as we
say, a dom sub couple ..super fun.
they look like they escaped from prison but they're really nice. So i'm setting up a "special night" for my boo to have his fantasy, then another night i'm setting one up for me. I've been i the mood to switch for minute.
basically i had to make a spread sheet for who's doing what to whom every day cuz we have a lot ground to cover in 7 days. which reminds me i need to text the condo guy and ask him if the corner of te bed is soft firm or bouncy
our combined work out is modified to accommodate us both down the middle. I would prefer to stick with my basic bro splits. just lifting and pushing for heavier weights. Instead of these faster paced circuits.
But i save a few dollars by sharing and more importantly Its a chance to see this guy im ridiculously a crazy about We get very little time together and i live for this three hours a week.
I really dont even focus on the work out.
I need to mellow out a little and relax. It's not sustainable. But this one just got me.
And i'm enjoying it.
It's not sustainable as you say.
Let's be clear. I see ass I like in the gym. One or two of the girls catch my eye. Yet I KNOW, cos I have that kinda brain, that I can go back to page 1 of this log and remember some of your earlier posts. 90% was all about how it can be hard, hence having coaches, asking for our help etc, it was vs you WANTING to show the young bucks that you still got it.
That requires focus. I can see that ass in one minute and then put some stupidly heavy weight on my shoulders and I'd be asking to get injured if I'm not 100% in that moment. It's like a switch. If you can do the switch thing you'll do what you do now and STILL kick ass.
I KNOW can do it. And think about the results. The actual time spent straining is tiny - literally (added up) minutes per day.
well if it were just ass that'd be different but this is another level. an " this is all i think about morning to night, its a " did he read my text yet" thing. it's "i don't care about the boys in the city anymore " thing. It's like being 16 again lol. it's a " i can stare into those beautiful brown eyes all day thing.
i know. Ridiculous but anyways he wants to go over to try crossfit. so i'm losing those 3 hours. and we have little to no other time together. maybe once a month at the most do we steal a couple hours together in a rush.
After vacation we will finish up the last of this 12 sessions then i'll go back to training in private w PT and we will get back to focus on lifting. i was panicked over this but he came up with a plan for us to commit to ine evening a week, just us.
I think i can do that. and hopefully the anxiety will subside and i can relax.
The training will go well i AM focused on my straightforward goals. getting from 180 bench for 10 to 200 etc. just increasing g the numbers slow and steady. just the basics. .
meanwhile Diicxsays i have too much blood. i don't understand what that means but he's talking about like u hAvdcto get rid of it.
what? like with leeches is this the middle ages what's going on !
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Too much blood? maybe he means too much IRON? do you have the bloodwork?
i think it's on the app let me look because too much red blood cells or something
This I like.
I'd NOT train with him. It's super rare for me to be that into someone and I've also found that I am kinda disappointed even when less so if I train with a loved one. Simply because of the distractions. Maybe I'd see the loved one right after etc
@SFDom415 solid work bro stay on that grind!Well 13 days till vacation im it early as cut i had wanted to be but its ok.
My fwb wants to take a break from sharing the workout cuz he wants to try crossfit instead I said, you'll be back.
Downside is no knee to share my trainer cost, don't get to see my booty boo 3 x a week... upside ... when i train single, we do more basic bro split stuff. Slow. focus and heavier weights and increasing goals.
instead of these faster circuits.
Anway with both of us there indies too much time staring, and playing grab ass instead of focusing on the weights.
The cort shot in the shoulder worked wonders. Also doing an MRI on it soon.
recentand one of my favorite cake and ice cream vids. .
If you can't find me I'm probably at the bakery.
Glad to see you’re back updating man. Hope the vacation goes well
friday. for whatever reason i was tired or sick and had no strength. im usually really good with incline press but this time i gave out at 10 on 45s (or 55 i dont recall) when i had been doing 65s for 12 i do have a cold or something. I also missed my test mast var the second half of the week. and started an SSRI which i hate and already stopped it. All i want to do is sleep all day today
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how about you cut the ssri dose for now bro? so you can train up
@SFDom415 you taking vitamins daily? probiotics?
i'm not consistsnt with anything. I can't remember anything. The adhd has been cussing problems for my whole life and i'm only now understanding it.
My therapist is receipt me to a
PHD we will start from scratch on re evaluating what kind of meds will be the right ones.
i'd rather not take any meds for anything cuz it seems i should be able to to just suck it up and use will power. but the fact is the bi polar is one thing i get very manic one day im positive and on top of the world and unstoppable and full of energy the next day day its the end of the world and ima complete loser and there's no hope and im eating my time... this just changes for no reason.
So the bi polar meds help keep me even.
The depression isn't depression and the ssri ( antidepressant are the wrk g drug. The adhd i/rsd is a whole different animal.
there are so many thoughts spinning in my head so fast all at once and one negative trigger such as perceived rejection, fear of abandonment fear of abandonment being my own fault and the compounded fear that i'm going fuck up a relationship on purpose and sabotage it ... leads to panic attacks that can last for days. it's takes an hour to do 15 minutes of housework and do can't remember ANYTHInG especially to take meds that are literally on my nightstand. i don't remember anything to drink enough water to constistany eat my oatmeal, apples, fiber, vitamins , probiotics.
the only time i'm focused and strong is gym and sex lol. Give me a dumb bell or a leather paddle and im ready to go.
that said im super excited 8 days in vallarta with my sexy booty boo just relaxing partying eating and fucking .. not in that order. it's going to be amazing.
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many guys cant be consistent not just you.i'm not consistsnt with anything. I can't remember anything. The adhd has been cussing problems for my whole life and i'm only now understanding it.
My therapist is receipt me to a
PHD we will start from scratch on re evaluating what kind of meds will be the right ones.
i'd rather not take any meds for anything cuz it seems i should be able to to just suck it up and use will power. but the fact is the bi polar is one thing i get very manic one day im positive and on top of the world and unstoppable and full of energy the next day day its the end of the world and ima complete loser and there's no hope and im eating my time... this just changes for no reason.
So the bi polar meds help keep me even.
The depression isn't depression and the ssri ( antidepressant are the wrk g drug. The adhd i/rsd is a whole different animal.
there are so many thoughts spinning in my head so fast all at once and one negative trigger such as perceived rejection, fear of abandonment fear of abandonment being my own fault and the compounded fear that i'm going fuck up a relationship on purpose and sabotage it ... leads to panic attacks that can last for days. it's takes an hour to do 15 minutes of housework and do can't remember ANYTHInG especially to take meds that are literally on my nightstand. i don't remember anything to drink enough water to constistany eat my oatmeal, apples, fiber, vitamins , probiotics.
the only time i'm focused and strong is gym and sex lol. Give me a dumb bell or a leather paddle and im ready to go.
that said im super excited 8 days in vallarta with my sexy booty boo just relaxing partying eating and fucking .. not in that order. it's going to be amazing.
maybe you can get some meal prep going to start.
my trainer use a meal service it's really yummy but it's way too expensive for me. After vacation i will get back to focusing on mealmany guys cant be consistent not just you.
prep. I need to learn how to cook food that tastes good.
meanwhile that iso pure clear why protien i ordered was HORRIBLE. and is i have two huge things of it cuz it was on subscription. but i think i can turn it all amazon is very good with thst
good workout today.
pull up
box step up
bench press
seat incline bi curl
some kind of kettle bell oh.. sumo squat something
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did you ever get that HGH sold?
no i still have it i just use a vile every other day
( when i remember) that way it'll last twice as long and eventually they will cut it off and then i'll still have some left to keep going
i also got a refund from amazon on the nasty protien i ordered. I didn't have to return it though. so i don't k kw what to do with it . i have one opened and one unopened at least i got my 100 bucks back
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Sell it to somone locally for half price since it's paid for.
yes i'm going to ask around. since they didn't make me return. i'd even donate it to a down and out bro. i'll if my booty boo wants it or if my trainer wants it although when they smelled it last time they turned their noses up. i have a coworker who lifts i'll ask him too. or i could keep it and just gag it down. but i've been carrying around a water bottle full of it for a week and haven't drank it.
And as far as your gh goes you can always sponsor me. 
well yesterday I went to Mr S
https://www.mr-s-leather.com/about-us since i've determined that restraints are next on the list as im travel this never ending path through the magical forest of debauchery. And spent 300 bucks on a spreader bar, and leather ankle and wrist cuffs.
I wanted the 36 inch bar but it would never fit in my luggage so i got the 24" and it also so t fit. so now i need to get a bigger checked luggage. i could have got the neoprene and velcro cuffs but thats just not like leather. My hood is neoprene only because a leather hood is like 500 bucks. So sk
times you compromise. just like in the gym ( which so often reminds of a dungeon with all the assorted accoutrements... you can do a lot with the bar. behind the back over head ankle spread wrists and ankles together. they tried to get me into this very medieval wrist and ankle shackle and i realized how much more stretching and warm up i need to work on.
anyway boo has has been forewarned.
This problem of transporting gear makes we want to design the perfect carrier. Surely they exist just like billions of gym bags exist ... but you notice none of them is just right. i have an idea i just dont j own how to make it happen. Just like i have my fetish website idea and also don't know how to make THAT happen. I shouldn't waste my creativity just because i don t know the tech end
.
https://www.mr-s-leather.com/about-us since i've determined that restraints are next on the list as im travel this never ending path through the magical forest of debauchery. And spent 300 bucks on a spreader bar, and leather ankle and wrist cuffs.
I wanted the 36 inch bar but it would never fit in my luggage so i got the 24" and it also so t fit. so now i need to get a bigger checked luggage. i could have got the neoprene and velcro cuffs but thats just not like leather. My hood is neoprene only because a leather hood is like 500 bucks. So sk
times you compromise. just like in the gym ( which so often reminds of a dungeon with all the assorted accoutrements... you can do a lot with the bar. behind the back over head ankle spread wrists and ankles together. they tried to get me into this very medieval wrist and ankle shackle and i realized how much more stretching and warm up i need to work on.
anyway boo has has been forewarned.
This problem of transporting gear makes we want to design the perfect carrier. Surely they exist just like billions of gym bags exist ... but you notice none of them is just right. i have an idea i just dont j own how to make it happen. Just like i have my fetish website idea and also don't know how to make THAT happen. I shouldn't waste my creativity just because i don t know the tech end
.
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LevButlerov
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HGH will sell especially pharma brand, check with local bodybuilders.
The protein not sure lol
A lot of chicks are into that leather tie me up shit toowell yesterday I went to Mr S
https://www.mr-s-leather.com/about-us since i've determined that restraints are next on the list as im travel this never ending path through the magical forest of debauchery. And spent 300 bucks on a spreader bar, and leather ankle and wrist cuffs.
I wanted the 36 inch bar but it would never fit in my luggage so i got the 24" and it also so t fit. so now i need to get a bigger checked luggage. i could have got the neoprene and velcro cuffs but thats just not like leather. My hood is neoprene only because a leather hood is like 500 bucks. So sk
times you compromise. just like in the gym ( which so often reminds of a dungeon with all the assorted accoutrements... you can do a lot with the bar. behind the back over head ankle spread wrists and ankles together. they tried to get me into this very medieval wrist and ankle shackle and i realized how much more stretching and warm up i need to work on.
anyway boo has has been forewarned.
This problem of transporting gear makes we want to design the perfect carrier. Surely they exist just like billions of gym bags exist ... but you notice none of them is just right. i have an idea i just dont j own how to make it happen. Just like i have my fetish website idea and also don't know how to make THAT happen. I shouldn't waste my creativity just because i don t know the tech end
.
I guess it’s a domination type thing.
I’ve never cared for it I’m too boring lol
you're not boring. you just like what you like.
i didn't know how much i liked it till i tried it and it clicked. I especially didn't know how much id enjoy beating someone's ass lol. I got the crop and paddle and belt and flogger and maybe it's from 45 years in customer service but i am very happy to swing those items at nice target. smack! i have a lot of aggression and a filthy politically incorrect mouth.
I expect people to do as they are told and i do not expect to have to repeat myself. Do it. do it correctly and do it quickly or we adjust your attitude and try again.
its the customer service coming out bro lolyou're not boring. you just like what you like.
i didn't know how much i liked it till i tried it and it clicked. I especially didn't know how much id enjoy beating someone's ass lol. I got the crop and paddle and belt and flogger and maybe it's from 45 years in customer service but i am very happy to swing those items at nice target. smack! i have a lot of aggression and a filthy politically incorrect mouth.
I expect people to do as they are told and i do not expect to have to repeat myself. Do it. do it correctly and do it quickly or we adjust your attitude and try again.
yes after having to be nice and bite my tongue for decades while serving people who get dumber and more helpless every year.
also explain why i like being waited on and served while they crawl at my feet. It's just nice for a change.
. but that's why i have to keep lifting.
so i'm up at 1am trying to make a deep dish apple pie from scratch with a rosemary infused crust to be fancy.
why? Well for one i don't k own what to do my my madly crazy feelings for boo, and i thought i know let me make this pie for his husband as a thank you for letting him come to vallarta with me ( so i can fuck his brains out for a week) apparently the husband knows of me specifically. So i thought it would be a nice gesture. I mean if you were seeing some girl wouldn't you bake a pie for her husband as a thank you? i don't know i'm not Emily Post.
then i realized im a terrible cook why would i choose, of all things, to make an apple pie for a rich german dude who probably grew up eating the best apple pies and pastries in the land. inwas confident until the pie crust dough was too crumbly and i had to keep adding water. Now i cant sleep cuz what if the dough is overworked and the crust is tough. Ill roll it outin the morning and then attempt to do a lattice weave top. because this isnt hard enough already.
On a happier note watching me grunt loudly through the last 4 of 12 reps of 180'on bench monday got a genuine "that was sexy af" from boo boo so that made my day.
now im determined to get to 200 .
why? Well for one i don't k own what to do my my madly crazy feelings for boo, and i thought i know let me make this pie for his husband as a thank you for letting him come to vallarta with me ( so i can fuck his brains out for a week) apparently the husband knows of me specifically. So i thought it would be a nice gesture. I mean if you were seeing some girl wouldn't you bake a pie for her husband as a thank you? i don't know i'm not Emily Post.
then i realized im a terrible cook why would i choose, of all things, to make an apple pie for a rich german dude who probably grew up eating the best apple pies and pastries in the land. inwas confident until the pie crust dough was too crumbly and i had to keep adding water. Now i cant sleep cuz what if the dough is overworked and the crust is tough. Ill roll it outin the morning and then attempt to do a lattice weave top. because this isnt hard enough already.
On a happier note watching me grunt loudly through the last 4 of 12 reps of 180'on bench monday got a genuine "that was sexy af" from boo boo so that made my day.
now im determined to get to 200 . Attachments
Liking that last partso i'm up at 1am trying to make a deep dish apple pie from scratch with a rosemary infused crust to be fancy.
why? Well for one i don't k own what to do my my madly crazy feelings for boo, and i thought i know let me make this pie for his husband as a thank you for letting him come to vallarta with me ( so i can fuck his brains out for a week) apparently the husband knows of me specifically. So i thought it would be a nice gesture. I mean if you were seeing some girl wouldn't you bake a pie for her husband as a thank you? i don't know i'm not Emily Post.
then i realized im a terrible cook why would i choose, of all things, to make an apple pie for a rich german dude who probably grew up eating the best apple pies and pastries in the land. inwas confident until the pie crust dough was too crumbly and i had to keep adding water. Now i cant sleep cuz what if the dough is overworked and the crust is tough. Ill roll it outin the morning and then attempt to do a lattice weave top. because this isnt hard enough already.
On a happier note watching me grunt loudly through the last 4 of 12 reps of 180'on bench monday got a genuine "that was sexy af" from boo boo so that made my day.
We are starting a new program not sure what. But slower with heavier weights is what i'd prefer. i WILL get to 200. if i can do 180 for 12 then i can probably already do 200 for 1. but... im it trying to be injured. I want all my numbers to be at least respectable for my age.
sow and steady. i'll be there by summer. 210 burned if summer
this is healthy dough or straight up dough bro? lolso i'm up at 1am trying to make a deep dish apple pie from scratch with a rosemary infused crust to be fancy.
why? Well for one i don't k own what to do my my madly crazy feelings for boo, and i thought i know let me make this pie for his husband as a thank you for letting him come to vallarta with me ( so i can fuck his brains out for a week) apparently the husband knows of me specifically. So i thought it would be a nice gesture. I mean if you were seeing some girl wouldn't you bake a pie for her husband as a thank you? i don't know i'm not Emily Post.
then i realized im a terrible cook why would i choose, of all things, to make an apple pie for a rich german dude who probably grew up eating the best apple pies and pastries in the land. inwas confident until the pie crust dough was too crumbly and i had to keep adding water. Now i cant sleep cuz what if the dough is overworked and the crust is tough. Ill roll it outin the morning and then attempt to do a lattice weave top. because this isnt hard enough already.
On a happier note watching me grunt loudly through the last 4 of 12 reps of 180'on bench monday got a genuine "that was sexy af" from boo boo so that made my day.
if straight up one you gotta eat this with a protein shake BB style
it's basic pie crust four butter ice water
pie turn out terrible. tough crust .
buy the crust premade bro just throw the ingredients in
that's cheating i wanted it to be meaningful
anyway doesn't matter . He canceled gym last minute this morning anyway. it doesn't happen often because he handles all his demands and pressures at home with so much grace all the time but today he was ina very bad place.
And me being me, my response was to be disappointed and more, even though it had nothing to do with me. cuz i was so excited about bringing the shitty our and the lighting set i bought him tonhelpnwithbhus new yiurtibe endeavor so i g i spent all day spiraling into my doomsdsynplsce. 5?days before vacation and if im like this when we leave it will fuck everything up. it doesn't even make sense that i'd be upset. but i just get triggered every time my hopes are up for something and something comes up. now it's midnight and im trying to figure out how to talk myself into the right head space. If i don't send my usual morning text .... and my impulse is not to, then it's obvious im moody and upset which is the last thing he needs right now. So what i need to do is just amount and be supportive and not expect anything but i feel destructive instead. i will never get rid of this fucked up damage. next work out is friday morning. i cancelled mine today when he cancelled. this can't continue. but if i walk away i'll never forgive myself. i have to get it right this time. or find the correct meds. enable i look shit. i had mcdonald's today. i don't even care anymore. so im just what on to self destruct and fuck everything up. i'm going to take a percocet to make it stop so i can sleep i doe my head its vitamix of spinning bad thoughts. i have to take the correct action the morning. i just starting popping SSris again after i just stopped them a couple days ago
yea if you want to be meaningful you gotta make the dough bro i get it
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How did that feel?
A true champion for sure. Keep up the good work.
I like how you hit the core training.
I like how you hit the core training.
He didn't. He has a coach
i just don't know why after 4 years of consistent training 3x a week and close to 3 years taking various supplements .... i don't look like i do either of those things. yes i look good for my age but i look like a beginner and like someone who casually goes to 24 hour fitness and dies a little work out.you did it right
shouldn't i be much bigger by now. i certainly my do not look at all like i use any supplements.
well it's pretty easy. except i can't breathe. my inability to catch my breath is holding me back.
i certainly lift more weight in a slow bro split workout than i do in this rushed circuits. but i never can get enough oxygen i've had to put any leg items at the end cuz if do a leg first im so out of breath it ruins the rest.
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@SFDom415 Its diet related, it happens to all guys who train. I think you do look much better, much much better. Compared to when you started, you look amazing and lean.
Nice
@SFDom415 solid work bro stay on that grind!
Keep pushing big guy
@SFDom415 how you been bro?
been talking about you just now
https://www.evolutionary.org/forums...olan-hgh-growth-cycle-log.100756/post-1714633
been talking about you just now
https://www.evolutionary.org/forums...olan-hgh-growth-cycle-log.100756/post-1714633
i was in vallarta long story that i don't want to talk about now. my soul is crushed and i just cry everyday for the last 25 days.
I suspect, based on what you said before you went, your expectations were a little too much. Much better to be chilled and just 'lets see what happens'. It'd still have been a great holiday
sorry my man. i've been smashed into bits PLENTY of times by women in my life. fell in love only to be smashed and i've done it to them too. its brutal.
whatever happened just remember there are greater tradegies in this world. keep your chin up
what happened bro? @SFDom415
it want the vacation that did it. it was actually super chill and fun. BUT
long story short
Deep unaddressed childhood trauma results in a lifetime riser pattern of " anxious attachment"
plus insecurities exacerbated by sdhd.
the last ten months was great BUT i'd spiral snd crash and think the worst in between seeing him. it got increasingly difficult at some point in the couple months prior to the trip he realized how much i was hurting. in the past those guys were never worth it.
but this one cared. we took the trip and had fun but at a point i got triggered by his confidence and qualities that i jack. i let it make me moody but still we had a great time. even though ii i crashed and burned a couple times breaking down in pain.
he knew he had to delete us for i while and wants me to do the healing work so i can be happier and healthier. he said the looks in my face when i hurt were breaking his heart. i told him usually at this point i cut and run and forget he person. he said it would really hurts him if i do that.
in skyiebif everything we were having fun and passion even right before we got in the cab to the airport.
he put his head in my lap on the plane. and inthe uber home he had us go an hour out if the so we could drop me off first so i wouldn't have to see him walk away and then ride home alone he was so kind and caring till the last minute knowing i was about to be crushed.
he left the door open for us. he said it's ok to text a check in once in a while. he even said to jet him know he'll hook me up with plastic surgeon sister in mexico.
i dive into the healing work. but i'm still crying every day for 25 days and counting. i can't be angry cuz he's the first person in 60 years to take me aside and give a shit. he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. he is a gift. not seeing his smile walk through the door is the worst oart. he AlwYs greets me with a big smile and hug . ink kw the attachment was unhealthy but everything g was real the chemistry sex affection fun tge piety the smokes every moment together was so chill and awesome. I'm just damaged and that shit fucks ruins it everytime. this time the loss is so bad he's not like the others.
it's a wake up call. he said do this healing work for myself not him. but right now i just want to make sure i see him again. it might be six mi the or a year
the mobster in my head tells me " he's just glad to get rid of you"
even though the reality says the opposite.
i'm horrified and embarrassed sand shamed if my behavior . those moments of i security are a blight on what i wanted to be a perfect vacation. he deals with shit at home. and then he started feeling he had to walk on eggshells around me. that's so fucked up i can't forgive myself. we had a great time. everyday the pics prove that. and he's probably far less worried about than me. but only feel guilt and shame and loss and embarrassment.
this process is a bitch. i have to be able to figure myself so i can get the let go part. hanging on the pain is a way to stay connected to the familiar. letting go into the unknown is hard. it feels like i'll lose something g
the opposite is true. he wants me happy and healthy. if i get there then he'll be happy not sad. i've just never been there before so i don't know what it will look like.
when you live some one you want to see them happy. when i get threatened by him being happy with other people .. that's fucked up. i should be happy for him not selfish.
i complained he didn't give me enough time. when i reality he did everything g he could to make time for in spite of his overwhelming responsibilities and didn't have awareness to feel good about that instead i wa selfish. i also had boundary issues.
i always knew are feelings were i even. he told me he'd never lie and lead me on cuz that would be hurtful. and i appreciate that.
when you are abused neglected abandonrx and then ignored like nothing happened. you think it's your fault when you're kid and you carry it.
he's not the kne who did that. he was being a real friend. i let my shit fuck up a good thing.
how am i supsoe to live with that?
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smiles are endless
i fucked this up his face lit up the room everytime.
i hate myself. i didn't just fuck tip for me but for both of us.
how could i be so un aware selfish
this one was really different ina another life we belong together he even daid maybe if our situations were different
i let myself get carried with the Bliss
look at that face. who can blame me.
i fucked this up his face lit up the room everytime.
i hate myself. i didn't just fuck tip for me but for both of us.
how could i be so un aware selfish
this one was really different ina another life we belong together he even daid maybe if our situations were different
i let myself get carried with the Bliss
look at that face. who can blame me.
and this one wasn't like anyone i've ever known before. luckimu the door was left open. He wants me to do my trauma healing work so i can be happier and healthier he hates seeing me in pain. sos different from the usual " break up" and we didn't love each other.
a fell for him then got my unhealthy attachment. he was not " in love" with me but he genuinely cares about my well being
as for the "work" i need to do he sai " you got this"
now i'm starting
start g that work. it's not fun at all. nor do i k ow where it will lead. i don't k is what emoiotnsllu healed happy and healthy even looks like so im goi g in blind . and im suppose to do it for me but right now my motivation is just get his smile bs k in the room.
i'd rather be water boarded once a week to his his smile three times, than to never see it again
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@SFDom415 you guys look amazing together a true pair, but you know no all things work out, right? I'm sure you've had relationships like this that didnt workout before. You shouldn't hate yourself, you should hit the gym and pump your feelings with iron.
i still work out with train 3x
he's the only person who knows both of us and knows about our relationship
so when i cry like a little bitch through the whole work out he jussi says go ahead your safe here but keep doing your reps. oddly i lift really well while im crying
yes everyone goes through various break ups.
but i'm not everyone. i have serious trauma that's never been addressed so when this happens imybwgole existence is goes back to abuse neglect abandonment and indifference. and it feels exactly the same. and this is worse because he's not some throwaway typical person you just get k er and later you can't even remember their name.
no one in 60 years treated me or made me feel that much bliss. and he left the door open so can't even do a wrote off and move on. the option is to heal and be a happier healthier person and then continue as friends or whatever developes .
also it's only been three weeks . and it's an unknown.
will i be better off in 6 months one year?
what will the relationship look like?
how will i feel? all unknowns. anyway im getting meds for adhd that will help and doing 8 sessions of ketsmjne therapy that will help.
now i go to see trainer but my boo doesn't but come walking through the door with a hug and smile any more. i just stare out the window and no Charger shows up. and everytime i see one on the freeway i get anxiety.
and he also embraces my come side Her name is Destiny. and he said i can't keep her mo med away she deserves to live. i dont have an issue with that. ( yes ill share anything here and you can judge me i dknt care) so thats another issue to address. i dont even know which label to put on that cuz there like so many definitions now.
but that doesn't bother me. i'm from san francisco where nobody gives a shit who you are how you live or who you fuck or how you dress. everyone is free here. still it's another on the to do list.
whatever i am strong and capable enough to deal with all of this. But the pain of just plain missing his smile is soul crushing. And i'm determined to wait three mi this before i reach out. he said we can reach with a hey what's up how are you doing .
but i think waiting three mi tha will give me time to settle and make me not look desperate. he probabsly expected me to crumble with texts right away.
well i can give up and die and get nowhere.
or do this work for my own good and the possibility of coming out the end with at least a lifelong friend
at worst i can fail at it or have it not be an outcome that i can live with.
but right now if i dknt do anything then its just the rest of life doing the same shit and it gets me nowhere.
i didn't have anything else planned for this summer so oh well. might as well use it to get improve my mental health.
last summer it was my body and the attention.
that all seems pointless and shallow now.
I've also most interest in sex. indy t want cheap meaningless sex after the crazy real connection we had and the ease of which we did everything and had a long list of things to try.
it's a waste to the universe to throw away that kind of bond and chemistry. it's a once in a lifetime thing.
i got to where is react defensively
he'd say something g and i get quiet like i was attack when i wasn't he asked me if i had hobbies interests or read any books and i made a defensive comment and he said ... i was just asking to get to know you. but we a good time up the last minute we even had swx before we got in the can to the airport. so he's probably over it and im still horrified at my behavior.
but look this is us o the last day. still having fun.
but i'm never goi g to forgive myself.
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we are both married but i'm open and passionless marriages .
my husband lent know because im suppose to just have hookups not fall for someone. the only two people i can talk to are my trainer ( who's both of us and everything about us and my therapist)
but that's not an issue. the issue is that my early deep childhood trauma i've carried Rohnd for 60 years continues to fuck up my life. and this time it was some one who REALLY mattered who treated better than anyone in 60 years. so it's time to do the work to heal that shit.
i mean by theee i was abused, neglected, abandoned by mom and then ignored like nothing ever happens for the rest of my life and that stays inside you and fucks you up. i should be a drug asdict or an alcoholic or a criminal . but i survived but haven't really lived happily. so now is the time a. he said it was breaking his heart to see me suffering. and told me do the work we will take a break get healed and whn i said i usually just cut and run and digest the person at this point y and he said that would really hurt him.
he took my shoulders and said you can do it "you got this" so i gotta " got this" for my own good .
my husband wk t talk to me about anti g serious my husband either critics me dismissed me and if very flippant with me. Never supportive of anything. and we haven't had sex for ten years
so that's how that is
wouldn't that be nice. it's not that simple normal people can do that. the whole point is that i'm fucked up otherwise there would neve been a problem anyway i'm not discussing it anymore
im cutting everyone out of my life right now including my close friends for their smart sad remarks and lack of support.
i stopped talking to my mom too.
she's in her own just like i was.
Reminds me of the time I fell in love with a woman on a cruise. We had a wonderful two nights together and then I never saw her again.
I think as humans, sometimes we get way too emotional.
At the end of the day is just sex.
my ex was a gold digger, we were married years and have children. one day she leaves me for some biker dude she met at a bar. then comes back home wanting to be with me so i let her back. then she leaves again with another dude she met at a club. a month later i get divorce papers plus she wants the kids. she ends up taking all my money and the kids in the divorce and leaves me with nothing.
so your situation could be worse. atleast you don't have kids to deal with
At the end of the day is just sex.
my ex was a gold digger, we were married years and have children. one day she leaves me for some biker dude she met at a bar. then comes back home wanting to be with me so i let her back. then she leaves again with another dude she met at a club. a month later i get divorce papers plus she wants the kids. she ends up taking all my money and the kids in the divorce and leaves me with nothing.
so your situation could be worse. atleast you don't have kids to deal with
For what it's worth.
We've ALL had times when, to coin a phrase, our heads are up our asses. Mine was 2011.
I've seen too many, inc family members, carry a 'burden'. Your's is what you call your childhood trauma. You carry it around with you 24-7. Any reason why you can't put it down?
We've ALL had times when, to coin a phrase, our heads are up our asses. Mine was 2011.
I've seen too many, inc family members, carry a 'burden'. Your's is what you call your childhood trauma. You carry it around with you 24-7. Any reason why you can't put it down?
i hear ya man. we support you though on here.
a lot of men aren't good in these situations. we look for solutions vs. women who look for support.
thats the miscommunication between genders. your friends probably don't want to hear your problems because they have their own shit they are dealing with or don't want to get involved in the drama.. so maybe give them a bit of a break here.
i been through all of that stuff before and never talked to anyone, i always keep it private and deal with it myself. not always the best thing but i get through it thanks to my work and hobbies keeping me busy.
maybe try exercising to get out your negative thoughts, that always works for me. maybe take a trip into the mountains for a hike or do some water sports or fishing just to relax.
ah that makes sense now.
many straight marriages are sexless as well. seems like your husband and you are in a roommate situation where you both just live together and pay bills together but that is all.
i go to the beach . but those two friends ... are gay men. i've know one for 45 years and he was my first BF in high school. and the other i've know for 35 years and we've all been though decades of drama and we talk about everything. it both of them and my husband are all judgmental opinionated assholes. even though all of them
are flaws and are from perfect themselves they always feel free to talk down to me and i'm not going to put up with it.
i don't really know how straight men operate and never have. i dknt associate with them and never have. i only know them is them as the ones who treated me like shit back then. funny now this is the place where i find the most support and my husband and gay friends the least support.
as for men and women talking or not talking. i do
n t understand that either. the older i get the less i understand people and the more i can't stand people. it have very much a fem side and she's the happy one i guess.
right now im half crush and half pissed and half dead inside.
anyway i wk t be here bere much . if anyone wonders the answer is
I did reps
i did sets
i didnt stay on point with my diet.
that's the weekly post just copy and paste
The not talking is what f**ked me a bit in 2011
men die younger than women cuz men don't talk.
we haves co worker we've know for 30 years at my job and he got fucked up and hung himsef he had a wife and kids and his son works with us.
no one had a clue. no one knows why. and there were zero signs.
it doesn't make sense. and we have very good health insurance k ceding mental health and we have a company internal mental health department.
i'll get a therapist if i break a nail. I use my benefits as much as possible i earned them. and pay for them.
but men do tend to go directly to " here's the solution" rather than " let's talk about it"
but talking is what gets to the real problem. that's why all psyche care is mainly tslkjng.
and there are meds. there nothing wrong g with using science solutions.
are we still doing g this fake macho i dont need any help thi g and the mysoginist only girls talk a lot thing?
i tell everyone everything g and thats how i know who to keep around who to keep around.
im an open book take me or leave me. is my approach. usually. until i fall hard for someone and the unhealthy shit rears its head again.
All Correct. We are raised to not show emotions or admit we are in pain.
The ironic thing is bodybuilders are the most insecure betas on the planet. That’s why many project machoism and lift weights. Plus with social media it’s all the same shit. Cars trucks. Women. Jacuzzis. Big houses. Blah blah. You only see the 5 minutes of enjoyment. Never the rest of their shitty lives. I’ve run into these guys in supermarkets lugging their 3 children and bimbo wife who is nagging them. Then they unload their groceries into their minivan. But online they look like they have such wonderful lives with the lambos and fake life. It’s all bs.
Many of those guys will look at your life and wish they had it. Vacations in Mexico. Living free in sf. Doing what you want. It’s all about perspective my man.
Today leaving the grocery store I asked this homeless women if she needed food. She said yes please. I took out food from my bags and money and gave it to her. She started crying and thanked me. When I walked away she probably wished she had my life. Yet here I am not appreciating what I have similar to how you feel. Hell I wish I lived where you live and vacationed in Mexico. You been through shit but man you live life to the fullest which few can say
Bro who fukin wit you. Message me they addy I will fuk em up
My fat wife with sit on them after I knock they teeth out. She like 350 pounds
My fat wife with sit on them after I knock they teeth out. She like 350 pounds
LevButlerov
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you're strong and powerful, you can get back on track with this, and the training 3x/week can you start sharing again please
? @SFDom415
it like this for everyone. it's a human condition and we all wear a mask. listen to some Carl Jung on you tube he was brilliant . i dragged my ass out the Eagle to keep a routine and sit home and cry. i'd rather cry at the leather bar. i don't car what these bitches think either. i have seniority in the town lol. i've never been one to conform. thank the gods i grew up here and im free to live without judgment or social constraint . i tell everyone... especially y young people " you have one life. it's yours and no one else's. you live it your way. don't waste it for others.
and you'd be surprised how many gym bros just wanna be girls lol. they work so hard to cover it up.. but they always looking in mirror at their big tits lol. they are fun once you hold of one.
live you life without constraint and let others live theirs if we all did that it would solve so much. not to mention it's the mother fuckers who run the world who want to distract us and keep us divided cuz we all ever join together in solidarity we will burn their shit to the ground . there's 8 BILLION more of us then then. speak truth to power and power to the people are not only hippy sayings. it's the undeniable truth
meanwhile this week the charity isa softball team ( every sunday a different local charity - from dykes on bikes to veterans - hosts the beer bust table. 15 bucks for unmuted beer and lunch . DJs are on fire today
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it like this for everyone. it's a human condition and we all wear a mask. listen to some Carl Jung on you tube he was brilliant . i dragged my ass out the Eagle to keep a routine and sit home and cry. i'd rather cry at the leather bar. i don't car what these bitches think either. i have seniority in the town lol. i've never been one to conform. thank the gods i grew up here and im free to live without judgment or social constraint . i tell everyone... especially y young people " you have one life. it's yours and no one else's. you live it your way. don't waste it for others.
and you'd be surprised how many gym bros just wanna be girls lol. they work so hard to cover it up.. but they always looking in mirror at their big tits lol. they are fun once you hold of one.
live you life without constraint and let others live theirs if we all did that it would solve so much. not to mention it's the mother fuckers who run the world who want to distract us and keep us divided cuz we all ever join together in solidarity we will burn their shit to the ground . there's 8 BILLION more of us then then. speak truth to power and power to the people are not only hippy sayings. it's the undeniable truth
meanwhile this week the charity isa softball team ( every sunday a different local charity - from dykes on bikes to veterans - hosts the beer bust table. 15 bucks for unmuted beer and lunch . DJs are on fire today
hey Daddy you're so sweet but no one is fucking with they just me to be the best i can be . the first person in 60 years ever gave a real fuck.
my heart is not in anything.you're strong and powerful, you can get back on track with this, and the training 3x/week can you start sharing again please
perspective perspective
i think you would like this short film. it won an oscar for best short film 5 years ago. its about how human perspective is so crazy. how we always want something else, while others want what we have.
i think you would like this short film. it won an oscar for best short film 5 years ago. its about how human perspective is so crazy. how we always want something else, while others want what we have.
@SFDom415 we’ve all burnt bridges we wish we hadn’t man. Like you said the door is still open.
LevButlerov
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Iron brothers cant do beer, steroids + alcohol = liver issues
on a side note @SFDom415 you still on the HGH?
